What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Your Post-Breakup Guide


Aw, babycakes, I’m sorry. Wipe that mascara, blow your nose, and prepare yourself to find your next ex. I can’t have you sitting on the bench feeling miserable. That’s a waste of some fine booty right there. You’re denying mankind access to one of Nature’s finest gifts.

First things first: You need to write a nasty letter to that heartless prick. He’ll never see it, but writing it will make you feel much better. Open your email program, put your own address in the “To:” field, enter a subject (“Letter to the Fucktard” works), and begin typing. Let it all out, sweetness. Here are some excellent ideas for phrases to use:
  • Pencil dick
  • Don’t deserve
  • Asshat
  • Never really liked you anyway
  • Wash your sheets, for Christ’s sake
  • Must have been drunk
  • I was faking it … yes, every time
  • Slob
  • Manscaping
  • I’ll miss your dog more than you
  • You’re not getting it back—it was a gift
  • Waste of time
  • My friends warned me
  • You might be gay
  • It is so not sexy
  • Children play video games
  • Your car is also gay
  • Brut, really?
  • I hope your acorn penis grows fungus and falls off
  • Your breath is fouler than raw sewage
  • Get over yourself
  • I don’t even care
  • I’m going to the cock parade

You feel much better already, don’t you? Go get your nails, face, and hair did. Toss in a spray tan. I think it’s time for a new outfit. Yes. Do it. I’m thinking something black and strappy. Go make room in your closet immediately.

What’s that? You just found one of his shirts? Oh, my. Well, please allow me to suggest you use it for the following:
  • Collect your Labrador’s lawn loafs
  • Clean the toilet rims he spotted
  • Kindling
  • Write on it in bright red lipstick, “This belongs to a dick waffle who should never see another vagina as long as he lives,” and leave it on his windshield
  • Duct tape it to your driveway and make sure two wheels hit it every time you pull in or out
  • Wear it while Mr. Next pounds the pussy snot out of you
  • Give it to an ultra-smelly homeless dude
  • Dust your house with it
  • Enter it in your company’s white elephant exchange
  • Take it to the shooting range and make lots of holes

I can see that smile returning, champ. You’re almost ready to reenter the game. Now, think: Does he have any almost-as-cute-as-he-is friends? There must be at least one. Perfect. You need to blow him. I know, I know. Look, sometimes you need to take one (in the throat) for the team. Make sure it’s a legendary, toe-curling, back-spasming blowjob, the likes of which has only been experienced by immortals and movie stars. Oh, one more thing: Don’t let anyone see you do it, but make sure you forward the text message this lucky fellow will send you to the ex. It will probably read something like, “OMG, I think I love you. I have such a happy penis right now. What was [insert asshole’s name] thinking letting you go?”

Now, you’re ready. Go get ’em, tigress!

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