My fingers are fat and my eyes are failing, which means my alcohol-induced texts are unintentionally comical. The autocorrect feature on my phone consistently fucks with me. I also have this habit of receiving a text from bootycall, unlocking my phone, typing a clever reply, and then realizing the reply went to exgirlfriend or baseballbuddy.
Here are some suggestions for 2 a.m. texts to ex-girlfriends:
- “Hey, QT. Can I come over and motorboat you?”
- “Don’t you miss my penis?”
- “I just received my certification as Supreme Cunnilingusator. Can I lick you now?”
- “Stop flipping your bippy and come over.”
- “All the lonely vaginas—where do they all come from?”
- “Daddy wants to come tuck you in.”
- “OK, I admit it: I miss you. Can we fuck now?”
- “I’m sorry I was such an ass. BTW, can I date your sister?”
- “I just beat off to your match.com profile.”
- “How drunk would you have to be to hook up with me again?”
- “I’m sorry, the vagina you have reached is currently busy. Please find a different ex’s number and try again.”
- “I just showed your message to all of my girlfriends. Good luck finding anything other than a silicone lover.”
- “I would sooner bounce my twat off a railing than have you reenter me.”
- “Look, nothing personal, but you have a disappointing penis.”
- “I’m flattered. Now kindly go fuck a duck.”
- “You’ve helped me locate my inner lesbian and, as such, I am no longer interested in being penetrated by dickweeds. Have a nice life.”
- “So nice to hear from you after all this time. Can you send me your address so I know where to mail your child support invoices?”
- “Remember that marvelous night we spent together? Me neither.”
- “I don’t think I’m drunk enough to spend five minutes in the same room with you.”
- “Funny you should text me. Are your ears ringing? I was just telling my new boyfriend about how you got off on wearing my panties.”
- You in lingerie giving him the finger.
- Your new boyfriend’s cock.
- A stop sign.
- A group of your girlfriends reading his message and laughing.
- Directions to the closest therapist’s office so he can get help.