TWI

Texting while intoxicated is highly encouraged (but not while driving). This is also why you should keep every contact you have gathered, including even the douchiest exes. Eventually, you’re going to reminisce about that time he did something silly, and want to remind him. Also, you know he’ll be sending a post-midnight text with “just checking in,” which means “boy, would I love to have some makeup sex right now.” Depending on your occupancy status, this may not be a bad thing.

My fingers are fat and my eyes are failing, which means my alcohol-induced texts are unintentionally comical. The autocorrect feature on my phone consistently fucks with me. I also have this habit of receiving a text from bootycall, unlocking my phone, typing a clever reply, and then realizing the reply went to exgirlfriend or baseballbuddy.

Oopsie.

Here are some suggestions for 2 a.m. texts to ex-girlfriends:

• “Hey, QT. Can I come over and motorboat you?”
• “Don’t you miss my penis?”
• “I just received my certification as Supreme Cunnilingusator. Can I lick you now?”
• “Stop flipping your bippy and come over.”
• “All the lonely vaginas—where do they all come from?”
• “Daddy wants to come tuck you in.”
• “OK, I admit it: I miss you. Can we fuck now?”
• “I’m sorry I was such an ass. BTW, can I date your sister?”
• “I just beat off to your match.com profile.”
• “How drunk would you have to be to hook up with me again?”

Since I rarely receive booty texts from exes, it seems like a waste of time for me to suggest any. Instead, I suggest the following replies to your ex-boyfriends who are begging:

• “I’m sorry, the vagina you have reached is currently busy. Please find a different ex’s number and try again.”
• “I just showed your message to all of my girlfriends. Good luck finding anything other than a silicone lover.”
• “I would sooner bounce my twat off a railing than have you reenter me.”
• “Look, nothing personal, but you have a disappointing penis.”
• “I’m flattered. Now kindly go fuck a duck.”
• “You’ve helped me locate my inner lesbian and, as such, I am no longer interested in being penetrated by dickweeds. Have a nice life.”
• “So nice to hear from you after all this time. Can you send me your address so I know where to mail your child support invoices?”
• “Remember that marvelous night we spent together? Me neither.”
• “I don’t think I’m drunk enough to spend five minutes in the same room with you.”
• “Funny you should text me. Are your ears ringing? I was just telling my new boyfriend about how you got off on wearing my panties.”

If you really want to spice up the text, why not add a photo of:

• You in lingerie giving him the finger.
• Your new boyfriend’s cock.
• A stop sign.
• A group of your girlfriends reading his message and laughing.
• Directions to the closest therapist’s office so he can get help.