What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, June 24, 2011

Last Date Questions

It’s time for a little negative reinforcement. These are things people are trained do to avoid pain. For example: If your husband trips over the shopping bags every night he comes home from work except for those nights following a morning orgasm, he’ll get the hint (or you’ll take over another shelf in the closet).

I cringe when I overhear ill-timed questions during a first date. Few men know how to read body language. They’re not discouraged by folded arms. They ask silly questions and obliviously plod toward what they hope ends between the sheets but will more likely end with a peck on the cheek and a long, late-night phone call between her and her best friend about the dud she just met.

Listen up, men. Do not ask any of the following questions on your first date or it will be your last:
  1. When’s the last time you got laid?
  2. Have you considered Botox?
  3. Do a lot of hot chicks attend your yoga classes?
  4. Did you vote for Obama?
  5. Are your tits natural?
  6. You so want me right now, don’t you?
  7. Your place or yours?
  8. Do I have any food in my dentures?
  9. Why did your ex dump you?
  10. Have any cute single friends … um, for my buddies?
  11. Would you come to church with me this weekend?
  12. How would you like to meet my parents?
  13. That right there looks like it might be cancerous. Have you had it checked?
  14. Clean-shaven, landing strip, or TruGreen thick-turf pussy?
  15. How old were you when you lost your virginity, or might I be your first honored guest?
  16. Are you taking birth control or are you past that point in your life anyway?
  17. Is your company hiring?
  18. Do you think a nipplegasm is a myth?
  19. Are you open to getting rid of your pets?
  20. You won’t mind splitting the tab with me, will you?

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