She woke up with a wiener.

A woman I met last night told me she had a recent dream where she had a penis (attached) for twenty-four hours. I knew where her story was heading, but joined her for the ride anyway.

"The first thing I thought was, Wow, I have this thing now. What should I do with it?"
"When you find out, let me know."
"Seriously. I decided to find a place to put it that would feel the best."
"Technically, you'd need to put it there and remove it numerous times."
"Yes, I know. So, I figured a vagina would be nice."
"Indeed."
"Ah, but what kind of vagina?"
"Kind? You mean size? Shape? Age?"
"Well, sure, but which vagina would make my penis feel the best."
"One that fits snugly."
"Right again!"
"I'm so perceptive. You'd be tempted to think I have a penis."
"I bet you do."
"All right. Continue."
"I wondered if a petite woman would be best. You know--smaller and tighter."
"Not always true. A friend of mine once observed, 'Big women have big pussies. Little women ... all pussy.'"
"Right. Then I wondered if an athletic woman would be ideal. If she's firm and works out often, chances are ..."
"Nope."
"Ah, the key is to find a virgin. If my penis is the first one there, it won't be all stretched out. It should fit like a glove."
"Yes, but pain and bleeding on the recipient's end will make the experience less enjoyable. Plus, the sheets--you need to consider the sheets, and whether you have peroxide handy."
"Good to know. Then I decided to find a porn star. She'd be skilled in the fine art of penis handling. That should feel wonderful."
"Fine, but you don't often find porn stars in your local pub."
"True, and I only have twenty-four hours. Guess I could find someone similarly skilled, like a prostitute."
"Then you and your penis could wind up in the clink, and that's not a great place to have a penis."
"Indeed. Time was running out, and I kept asking my male friends for advice. I was becoming more desperate, and they were of little help. One suggested my hand would be a convenient fit."
"Yep. Then, at least your desperation should subside, while you think about something other than vagina for an hour or so."
"A hand can't possibly feel as good as a vagina, can it?"
"No, but it eliminates most of the investing, begging, apologizing, and such."
"My time with my penis was nearly finished, so I went to a bar and smiled, chatted, and flirted with every woman I found, trying to find any vagina. It was as if the women sensed my desperation. The harder I tried, the more I drifted from my goal."
*Sniff*
"I even tried hitting on the bartenders and servers, to no avail. I grew tired, but determined to find a warm place for my penis, I stayed until last call. Surely, there would be an inebriated woman with sufficiently lowered standards to accept my penis."
"And?"
"Nothing. I went home, climbed in bed, and fell asleep before I remembered to masturbate."
"Welcome to my world."
"I woke up without a penis and felt a like big weight was lifted from my shoulders."
"See? Penis is overrated. It's not a man's world after all."
"Would you and your cursed penis like a drink?"
"Yes, we would ... and a kiss, please."
"Don't push it."
*Sigh*

How NOT to deliver criticism.

NOTE: I apologize to my friends who are bored by this silly battle between a group of vampire fantasy authors and me. I'll try to make this my final post on the subject.

Background: A fellow author posted a negative review (2 of 5 stars) on my book. I read her book (did not make it all the way through) and posted a 1-star review because I felt the book earned it, and to make my point that authors should not criticize each other in a public forum where it could hurt sales and livelihoods. Point was made. We both removed our reviews.

Then, some uppity authors (probably friends of hers) decided to pile on by trashing me on their blogs. They hurled personal insults and criticized my writing. If they did this to get attention, I'd understand the motive. I won't mention the blogs or people specifically, as they don't deserve the exposure.

The most pompous of the asses slams me for mixing a past tense sentence in a present tense paragraph. Here is his biography on Smashwords. How many tenses are in this?

"[asshole's woman's name removed] has a doctorate in English literature.
[shithead's name removed] was in the Navy for more than fourteen years, both enlisted and as an officer, before he cashed out and started writing. Together, she and [fartbag's name removed] have written more than thirty sf/f books. They live in Colebrook, New Hampshire."

After seeing his picture, I realize there's no insult I could hurl that would exceed the severity of the one his ancestors delivered. Ooh-fah!

Perhaps I should explain my stance about authors posting negative reviews (as in below average or highly critical) with an analogy:

If a chef of a popular restaurant visited a rival restaurant, dined there, and then published a negative review of the rival's chef, how would that be perceived? Jealousy, right? Even if the food was sub-par, the chef is out of line. Would it be less egregious if that review were posted by the restaurant owner? I think not. If that chef were to speak in person to the rival's chef and suggest another way of caramelizing onions, that could be respectable, if done tactfully.

This scenario applies to most professions. Heck, it even applies to parenting. Don't you cringe when you see a parent scold a child in public? Must children be forced to learn through embarrassment? Jeez, I hope not.

So, people, please exercise restraint when criticizing others in a public forum. It's not nice, and you're not going to correct anyone by embarrassing them or damaging their livelihoods.

Since I get to have the last word in this (it is my blog), and I know the jealous author who attacked me will read this, here you go:

"Fuck you, Mr. M--the mule you rode in on, the tic on its ass, the flea on the tic's ass, and the microbe on the flea's ass."

See, I learned nothing from you--still mixed case.

Lies, lies, lies, yeah!

Isn't it more fun to be surrounded by smiling people? People who like you. People who, occasionally, will grab the bartender's attention and say, "Hey, Joe, I'd like to buy my friend here a tall libation." Consider your compliments to be wise investments. Nobody says they need to be truthful. In fact, sometimes the truth hurts, which results in a beverage bath instead of a buzz.

So, be nice and lie.

"Hello, there. My, what lovely eyes you have."
"Thank you."
"Say, do your parents work at Snapple?"
"What? No. Why?"
"Because it looks to me like you're made from the best things on earth."

OK, don't overdo it.

"Wow, I love your necklace."
"You're staring at my tits."
"What tits?"
"These tits."
"Oh. Well, now that you've pointed them out, might I add that your breasts are outstanding, and they go well with your necklace."

More subtlety, perhaps.

"What do you for a living?"
"I have two children under five."
"Ah, you supervise drunk hobbits."
"Sometimes it seems that way."
"Well, that's the most important job on the planet. You deserve a raise."
"That's what I keep telling my ex."
"Doesn't it make you want to fuck the daylights out of some stranger you met at a bar ... to get back him?"

That's a lottery statement: big payoff, but slim chances.

"Gosh, how do you keep your skin so soft and lovely?"
"I moisturize."
"How do you get those hard-to-reach places?"
"Really?"
"I'm simply offering my services for the sake of your skin. I detect a bit of dryness along your spine."
"Actually I squirt lotion on the wall of the shower and rub my back on it like a cat in heat."
"That's hot."

Or not.

"You must spend half your day here at the gym, to maintain a body like that."
"I'm here often, yes."
"Have you considered becoming a personal trainer?"
"No."
"How many pushups can you do?"
"I don't know."
"Do you do yoga?"
"No."
"Twilight or True Blood?"
"What?"
"Do you want to make-out?"

Fine. I need more practice.

P.S. You're the smartest, sexiest, and kindest reader I have. Just sayin'.

Proven: Controversy Sells!

When I saw all the negative reviews come in on E. L. James' Fifty Shades books as the sales shot up, I had a feeling the controversy was driving them. Heck, it persuaded me to buy them. I was tempted to send my books to reviewers I knew would be highly offended (Sunday-morning people) in order to feed my evil machine. But first, I needed to perform an experiment: Write a controversial post. Not highly controversial, mind you--mildly. Sure enough, that post increased my blog traffic over 500% and drove a great week of book sales.

(Sure, it caused some neglected housewives to blog out their sexual frustration on someone not financially supporting them: me. Bring it, you lonely windbags, I can take it.)

Time to step it up. Daddy's hungry for filet and top shelf bourbon. More controversy must be served! OK, let's see how many controversial statements I can make in one blog post. Let the gasping begin.

1. Obama is the best president of all time, and he should replace that dope Franklin on the hundy.
2. Gay people are better dressers, less obese, and more sexual than straighties.
3. Abortion is a much better option than dick-numbing condoms.
4. Steroids make sports interesting.
5. (Stand back. I'm going to use the N-word now.) Nipples need nibbles.
6. Dogs that bark should be baked at 350 degrees and served with cabbage.
7. Wine is for pussies, especially white wine. ({}) <--- My sign for a large, stinky pussy.
8. We don't pay enough tax. I want banked fucking turns and gold-plated curbs on my street.
9. Bring back the Humvee, and this time make it bigger.
10. God lives in an poppy patch, where She reads her Kindle and farts a lot.
11. Whiny children should be locked in closets and fed celery.
12. French people are kind.
13. Bloggers are doo-doo heads. Um, wait--except me.
14. Professors should be having sex with their students in order to "teach" them the proper ways to have sex.
15. Stop signs are merely suggestions, especially when you have to pee.
16. The inside of a vagina is no prettier than an uncircumcised cock.
17. Hiney sex is fun, especially in the bathtub.
18. Fat people are happier.
19. The Tour de France needs weapons.
20. Cats are way fucking smarter than most humans, especially ones from Pennsyltucky.
21. Nothing is better than a blowjob ... nothing.
22. The drinking age should lowered to two and pot should be handed out like coffee sleeves.
23. Cocaine smells good.
24. Bald isn't beautiful, it's fucking regal.
25. People who post negative comments on my blog are fat-tongued, yeast-infested, jiz guzzlers.

There you go. Every statement comes directly from my loving heart. I guess that makes me wicked. I should be punished, yes? Don't you ignore me! I'll never learn if you do. Let me have it, you mindless rube. ( ! ) <--- That's me mooning you. Nyah, nyah. (I'm dancing, doing the twist right now, with my tongue out.)

Oh, come on already. Jeez, you are stupid. Just go up there to the top-right and type in "random insult generator" in the search box, if you need help. Christ, must I do everything?

ABC Announces the Next Bachelor: Satan

In light of recent seasons featuring too much sobbing and not nearly enough violence, ABC has decided to cast none other than the Prince of Darkness to get rating backs where they belong.

“Recent contestants have caused numerous douche chills with their incessant whining and blubbering,” according to independent TV ratings. “Female viewers seem turned off by high hair, hairless chests with little-boy nipples, and runny noses. It’s obviously time to insert a bad boy.”

And, who could fill the role better than the angry beast from Hades? We stopped by his steamy pad in the bowels of the earth, and interviewed the new bachelor (AKA Jimmy Mac) about his role.

“So, Mac, what are your expectations for this season?”
“I’ll tell ya one thing for sure: There will be lots of fuckin’.”
“Wow. Anything else?”
“I may gnaw some toes off the ones who annoy me, and slap others with a trout. It all depends on my mood.”
“Is there anyone you’re hoping to connect with?”
“Well, since that horse-lipped hedge-head Ben stole Courtney away, I’m not confident the talent will be up to my standards. Courtney would have made the perfect bride. Damn it. Guess I’ll wait until she breaks down and starts hitting the pipe. Hey, speaking of chicks on that slippery slope to rehab, where’s Vienna?”

ABC has been silent about who the contestants will be, but they did leak three of the names to whet the media’s appetite. Here’s your first look at who might wind up your Princess of Darkness.

Raychel - She’s a blogger from down under who enjoys casting imaginary spells and mashing vegemite into her forehead.

Robbin - Known for her uncanny ability to stuff an entire beer bottle (not a twelve, yo--a forty) into her baby hole, this one must be an early favorite.

Susie - This bulbous skank from Kentucky has been preparing to suckle Satan by ingesting gallons of horse semen before each derby.

Some of the romantic destinations for dream dates allegedly include a rest stop in Idaho, a Dumpster behind Taco Bell in Tijuana, and a large medical waste container containing aborted fetuses and Larry King’s scrotum.

It will be a season to remember.

Form letter to a person who is annoying you.

This is a wonderful stress relief exercise. I bring it to you free of charge. No expensive webinars from me. No, sir. Copy and paste this document, and select the words that are most appropriate. Once complete, print it out, read it aloud, and shred it. (People have guns and lawyers.)

Dear [insert name of ex/colleague/critic/neighbor/random ass-hat],

This is not about you; it's about me. I'm venting.

Gee, golly, you are annoying the [living/freaking] [piss/shit/heck] out of me. You probably don't realize it, because you are an oblivious [pee-tard/monkey/lump of pus] who lives in [her/his] own [little/smelly/flea-ridden] world. If you would care to look beyond your own [enlarged/pocked/greasy/deviated] nose, you'd notice fellow passengers on this blue marble, to which you claim ownership. We don't [like/respect/have any use for] you.

Have you ever ridden the [subway/bus]? You know that odoriferous slob who always seems to select the vacant seat next to you? The one who showers monthly, at best, and talks to himself. Yep. That's you--figuratively--on this ride of life.

There are numerous traits I detest about you, beginning with the fact that you're so oblivious that you will deny all of them. How doth thou annoy me? Let me count the ways.

[Insert all that apply.]

• You whine when I don't answer your [call/text/email] immediately, yet your phone seems to be dead more often than Kenny from South Park.
• You never pay your fair share of the bill, which--oh, by the way--includes little things you may have heard of called tax and gratuity.
• You've told me the same fucking story five times and, although it has changed slightly each time, it has not improved.
• You've tagged me in unflattering Facebook photos numerous times, although I've asked you not to. You think it's funny. You think I'm kidding. I'm not.
• Speaking of Facebook, one more status update from you about going shopping, and I'm going to begin hurling expensive china.
• You whistle off-key.
• Stop trying to borrow my [Chapstick/lip gloss/eyeliner/deodorant]. It's gross.
• You use the word "like" so often that you make me want to stab my ears with a cocktail fork.
• Your [pet/baby/boyfriend/girlfriend] is so not cute. You're either blind or doing ugly-care community service.
• You tell enough white lies to coat a ski jump.
• You have no idea what personal space is.
• It takes you half an hour to decide what to order, then you customize it excessively, and send it back to the kitchen, where I hope they spit in it.

Now, please stop annoying me, you [lame, brain-dead, ugolicious, rectum-sniffing smegma eater/festering, puke-inducing, smelly-crotched bumwipe/vermin-ridden, anti-genius, vomitrocious ape-face].

Yours,
[Sign and date here.]
Grumpy

P.S. Have a nice day! ;)

When you forgive, you encourage bad behavior.

Forgiveness sucks; give it up. I don't care what ancient texts say. We are ruled by Nature, and Nature does not forgive. The squeaky wheel that gets greased will be squeaking again soon. Best to replace that wheel. You don't need to be angry about it or hold a grudge. Forget the pain of the slander, but remember the slanderer.

If you don't deliver the punishment deserved, the next person will be adversely affected because the misbehaving party hasn't learned to behave.

Let's think of some things men do in a relationship, which deserve punishment but are often forgiven:

1. Checking out or flirting with other women in your presence.
2. Slobbery, including not putting away his toys, leaving dishes around, creating dirty laundry mountains, and expecting accolades for a loud belch or fart.
3. Forgetting important dates.
4. Communicating with an ex.
5. Creating an orgasm tally imbalance.

You can't forgive these grievances, my sweet, or they will continue and grow more severe.

This applies to platonic relationships as well. On my twice-weekly commute into the city, often I am stuck next to a man who has some sort of problem with his nose. This, mind you, has been going on for months. He sits near me, takes out his iPhone, tilts his head down, and begins playing some pointless game. Since his head is tilted down and he has a leaky noggin, he performs a snot symphony for the entire forty-minute ride.

*Sniff, Snort, Sniff, Gulp, Sniff, Cough, Snort*

I'm not allowed to euthanize him, oh, but I fantasize about it--sliding that needle into a vein while he sniffs and whimpers. One final gurgle, then off to the glue factory for Mr. Boogers.

Since his parents, friends, and (horrors, if such things exist) ex-girlfriends have forgiven this behavior instead of stuffing cotton up his nose and swatting him with a rolled-up magazine, we, the disgusted commuters, must endure this nonsense.

Another example close to my black heart is the way some fellow authors behave. As authors, we consume a large share of written media to see what is selling and why. It guides our work. Do we enjoy everything we read? Hell no. When we dislike something we read, we need to make the following distinction:

1. Does this suck because I don't enjoy this subject, whereas certainly others would?
2. Does this suck because it is horribly written?

In scenario #1, it's best to stop reading and move on without providing feedback or negative reviews, because authors, of all people, should realize that authors need to eat, and it's plain wrong to hurt sales due to a mismatch in tastes or preferences.

In scenario #2, it's best to provide PRIVATE feedback and suggestions directly to the author. Again, a bad review won't help correct the problem; it will just create hatred and embarrassment.

A fellow author has left a nasty review on one of my books. (See Rachel's review here.) If I forgive her, she'll do this to others. Instead, I'm going to read one of her books (already started and it is god-awful, as expected) and trash the shit out of her in a public forum by posting a one-star review. I also have a social media army I can enlist to assist me in the defensive assault. I hope she learns that her bad behavior must cease.

So, the next time someone offends you, pause to see if the offense was accidental. If it was intentional, don't forgive--punish.