How NOT to deliver criticism.

NOTE: I apologize to my friends who are bored by this silly battle between a group of vampire fantasy authors and me. I'll try to make this my final post on the subject.

Background: A fellow author posted a negative review (2 of 5 stars) on my book. I read her book (did not make it all the way through) and posted a 1-star review because I felt the book earned it, and to make my point that authors should not criticize each other in a public forum where it could hurt sales and livelihoods. Point was made. We both removed our reviews.

Then, some uppity authors (probably friends of hers) decided to pile on by trashing me on their blogs. They hurled personal insults and criticized my writing. If they did this to get attention, I'd understand the motive. I won't mention the blogs or people specifically, as they don't deserve the exposure.

The most pompous of the asses slams me for mixing a past tense sentence in a present tense paragraph. Here is his biography on Smashwords. How many tenses are in this?

"[asshole's woman's name removed] has a doctorate in English literature.
[shithead's name removed] was in the Navy for more than fourteen years, both enlisted and as an officer, before he cashed out and started writing. Together, she and [fartbag's name removed] have written more than thirty sf/f books. They live in Colebrook, New Hampshire."

After seeing his picture, I realize there's no insult I could hurl that would exceed the severity of the one his ancestors delivered. Ooh-fah!

Perhaps I should explain my stance about authors posting negative reviews (as in below average or highly critical) with an analogy:

If a chef of a popular restaurant visited a rival restaurant, dined there, and then published a negative review of the rival's chef, how would that be perceived? Jealousy, right? Even if the food was sub-par, the chef is out of line. Would it be less egregious if that review were posted by the restaurant owner? I think not. If that chef were to speak in person to the rival's chef and suggest another way of caramelizing onions, that could be respectable, if done tactfully.

This scenario applies to most professions. Heck, it even applies to parenting. Don't you cringe when you see a parent scold a child in public? Must children be forced to learn through embarrassment? Jeez, I hope not.

So, people, please exercise restraint when criticizing others in a public forum. It's not nice, and you're not going to correct anyone by embarrassing them or damaging their livelihoods.

Since I get to have the last word in this (it is my blog), and I know the jealous author who attacked me will read this, here you go:

"Fuck you, Mr. M--the mule you rode in on, the tic on its ass, the flea on the tic's ass, and the microbe on the flea's ass."

See, I learned nothing from you--still mixed case.

Please put away the claws, my dear.

What do you get when combine Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay, and a cornered tigress? You get a woman armed with wine and scathing remarks for any competitor in the vicinity. Dang, you shawties am brutal!

Admittedly, I'm not a fan of many people. Still, I can control myself and remain silent when criticisms boil up from the depths of my pool of sarcasm ... usually. Other times, I'll simply say, "He seems nice." That covers it.

We were tipping grapes last night with some fine specimens, when an alien cat strutted onto the scene. The claws came out and the victim was shredded from fifty feet. Fucking impressive!

"She has horrible hair. It's Jewish hair. Just awful. I bet she cuts it herself--with lawn shears."
"Did you see her tug her top down to expose more of her cleavage? What a tramp."
"Spray tans are so last summer. I mean, who has a tan in January?"
"I hope that's a skinny margarita she's carrying. Her muffin top is ghastly."
"She's probably here scouting for some rich, old man to buy her cocaine and hair extensions."

The fur--extensions or not--certainly was flying.

We, the penis toters, were fascinated by her brutality. We discussed whether we recalled taking similar jabs at our competitors. Not even close. We'll take shots at a strange man by concentrating on a small number of traits:

1. His bangs are Beck-ish and silly.
2. Who wears sneakers with suit jackets?
3. He's wearing a clip-on phone holster. He has never seen a vagina.
4. It must suck to be a gnome.
5. All the Tebow-ing in the world wouldn't gain him access to her end zone.

Women, on the other hand, go off on everything:

1. Her hair is as dyed and damaged as my grandmother's curio.
2. The reverse bob cut on her makes her look like a boobless Bob.
3. By the looks of her skin, she must tan in a microwave oven.
4. With all that makeup, if she slept over, in the morning you'd find a shroud of Turin on her pillowcase.
5. She has more spots on her chest than a leopard.
6. I don't know where she bought those boobs, but she should return them.
7. Why is she wearing her daughter's jeans?
8. I can see she failed her resolution already. She has a body by chili fries.
9. I guess her puffy ankles make it easier to float them over her head.
10. Her cloven hoofs are overflowing those ridiculous shoes she's wearing.

 Mating war is bloody hell.