Inappropriate?

Can we please get over our feigned disgust with body parts? I’ll poke fun at Weiner’s wiener like anyone else, but I have to admit (and this does not make me hoo-moo) his pee pee pic does not disgust or offend me. Nudity, in general, doesn’t offend me. I’ve seen certain clothed people who offended my senses much worse than nude people. Hang out at a public pool, the beach, or any popular nightclub in Palm Springs to see what I mean.

I wondered how the powers-that-be decided what’s inappropriate, so I posted a black-and-white close up of my hairy left nipple on Facebook. Sure, some of the comments (from hurtful pricks) included: “Gross,” “Ew,” “Ick,” and “Yuck.” But, a majority of the comments included a colon and right parenthesis indicating to the social media world that the person understood my sarcasm and found it amusing.

My nipple is not inappropriate, disgusting, controversial, pornographic, or unsightly. It’s a sensitive lump of useless skin containing lactiferous ducts arranged cylindrically around the tip.

SIDE NOTE: Once, back in my nightclub owning days, my manager and I were bored while a bunch of hillbillies two-stepped around my hardwood floor. I was playing with a ring box and decided it would be amusing to clamp it onto his shirt. My precision was uncanny as the box snapped shut on the very tip of his right nipple, causing him to squeal like a hungry piglet. He still hasn’t forgiven me. Then again, I haven’t apologized. It was amusing.

I guarantee that if I posted my nipple in the form of an upper body shot of me in board shorts on a towel at the beach reading Chelsea Handler’s latest, nobody would have balked. Therefore, the issue that was taken was with the proximity of the nipple. So, nipples are cute from a distance. I have to ask the Moral Majority: At what distance does my nipple become unsightly?

Maybe the problem is that my nipple has hair around it. Why is hair gross? Why are women removing all of their Twinkie hair? My nipple hair is uniformly trimmed (clipper setting three, if you must know) as is the rest of my chest hair. Sure, there’s some blond—sun bleached … OK, it’s fucking gray—mixed in. If I had never trimmed my chest hair and my chest resembled Tom Jones’ head, fine, I’ll accept that it would be unsightly but still not gross. In fact, let me ask you this: Which, on a man, is grosser? A hairy nipple or hairy back?

I know!

Imagine how disarmed the media would become if nudity were ordinary and acceptable? We’d have to begin raising our children differently. Because a minute percentage of people are deviants, we insist that private parts are naughty bits and they need to be concealed. Let’s stop hiding what’s completely natural (the human body) and start dealing with the disturbed people who can’t handle seeing one without misbehaving.

Here’s a small sampling of things I can find on Facebook right now, which are much grosser than my mammary papilla or, if you prefer, teat:

• Duck faces.
• Ads with young women looking to meet older men.
• Donald Trump’s head.
• Farmville.
• Dogs (that one was contributed by my six-nippled furballs, Syd and Symon).

Privates Mailing

What the hell is with all the guys mailing pictures of genitalia? Gross! I’m certainly open to receiving sexy photos from women. I’ll take boobie shots, nipples, butts, and even hoo-hay portraits (no close-ups or internals, please). It all works for me because I’m a man with the typical reaction to visual stimulation. Women, on the other hand, rarely have a desire to receive photos of wangs, etc.

In fact, before I rant, male readers please take note. Do not send any woman pictures of the following:

• Your penis (soft, mid-boner, or full tilt), even if it’s partially obscured.
• A shirtless version of you, which you took in the mirror.
• You wrapped in a towel.
• You in a shirt with buttons undone.
• You flexing anything other than a silly straw. (Hm, do they still make those?)
• You in a bathing suit or bikini briefs.
• Your turds.

Speaking of turds, maybe it’s a related problem. They say men can’t smell their own, so maybe that’s the issue: Men can’t see their own. Do you know what a picture of a penis resembles? Nothing good. Add a couple of balls and some hair and, oh my god, are you kidding me?

If you’re tempted to send a sexy photo to your woman, stop, drop, and poll a female relative before you do. If you can hear her scream from the next county, it should convince you it was a bad idea.

I have had female acquaintances show me numerous photos from oblivious exhibitionists. Is that what you want, men? A very heterosexual, sarcastic prick like me seeing your “sexy” photo? Well, that’s precisely what happens. The receiver will share your picture with all of her friends and quite possibly the media. You’re probably not famous enough to find out about this by finding your little acorn on TMZ. If you were, you’d have enough fuck-you money to shrug it off. You’re not there. Don’t do it. Pay off your credit cards instead.

Ladies, be careful when sharing the photos you receive. I’ve had this happen on more than one occasion: She hands me the phone to see the pictures, I scroll past the intended list, and I find a “sexy” photo she responded with in an effort to ease his embarrassment. The exchange doesn’t negate the problem. Two wrongs do not make my cranial storage of said images disappear. (Only bourbon does.)

A simple way to fix this problem is to avoid taking pictures of yourself. In fact, iPhones should come with a setting that prevents it. When you give your phone to a friend and ask her to take your picture, note the expression on her face. If it’s horror, take your phone back and say, “Just kidding.”

High and mighty politicians are most frequently implicated. Why? Have they no shame? Then they scramble to deny, get caught in the lie, admit it and apologize, lay low awhile, and the reemerge unscathed. We have such short-term memories. Stop testing mine. I don’t want to stumble upon your cock. Thank you very little.