Do you know where your common sense went?

As humans, we have a tendency to seek reason where there is none. Most of what goes on in our lives is random. It may give us a sense of control when we blame the supernatural for causing noteworthy events. Still, I suggest this is mild insanity.

The modern calendar wasn’t even developed until 1582, which technically wasn’t the year 1582 until the calendar was created. It amazes me when intelligent people suggest ancient man simply started counting years after Christ was born. Many of these people also believe man once coexisted with dinosaurs and a magic pill will cause unlimited boners and weight loss.

So, it’s 11/11/2011. Wow. Technically, there is an annoying 2 and 0 within that date confusing things. I mean, if it were 11/11/1111 then we’d have something. Oh, I bet a shit storm of epic proportions would happen, including:

• Happy hour portions wouldn’t be so damn chincy.
• Teenage boys would cut their bangs and pull up their pants.
• Teenage girls would stop dressing like Hollywood ho-bags.
• Politicians, coaches, and evangelists would stop lying.
• My sheets would fold themselves without eating one of my socks.
• Cat fur would no longer stick to my clothing.
• I’d watch an entire sporting event on TV without ads for Dremels or ED medicine.
• A cop would pull me over and give me $300 and a gold star for my superior driving skills.
• Children would leave the sofa, go outside, and play football.
• An attractive woman would offer to buy me a drink without selling me anything or introducing me to Jesus.
• Amazon would reward me as their 111 millionth customer by giving me unlimited free books to read on my Kindle.
• Elvis, Freddie Mercury, and Michael Jackson would be discovered alive on a remote island in the south pacific.
• My neighbor’s dogs would develop incurable laryngitis.
• Hair would begin growing on the top of my five-head instead of inside my ears.
• I could drink coffee and Coors Light without peeing every thirty minutes.
• The US would foreclose on Bank of America, seize all of their assets, and hand them over to their rightful owners while relocating senior management to Guantanamo Bay.
• Fast food commercials would stop featuring skinny, attractive people and show the lard-ass booth busters that more typically frequent those establishments.
• President Obama would tell Michele Bachmann to take a flying fuck at a rusty pole.
• Reality TV and adult cartoons would be cancelled and replaced by Laugh-In, Soap, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and The Carol Burnett Show.
• NBA players would be forced to compete on Cupcake Wars.
• 50 would be the new 30.
• Scientists would discover that melted cheese causes immortality.
• Women would burn bras again.
• First dates would include playful touching instead of twenty questions.
• Bikers would be forced to live on a carless island of spandex, leather, and silly helmets.
• Aliens would arrive and hand out chocolate covered cherries and cannabis.
• God would part the clouds and yell, “Psyche!”

Lucky Bug

My imaginary daughter, Mary, came to the gym with me today. She enjoys watching TV on the elliptical machine while I turn purple on the gauntlet. Mary keeps one eye on me at all times and reminds me to be “suh … tull” when I encounter a rather attractive specimen in tights. As we left the gym and climbed into my Jeep, she noticed a ladybug on my window.

“Oh my gawd, Daddy! Look! It’s good luck.”

“It’s a bug, sweetheart,” I said atheistically as I lowered my window. Naturally, instead of flying away or falling outside the car, the bug rode the window down and landed in my lap. You would have thought a starving piranha was tossed there based on Mary’s reaction, which caused me to flinch, open the door, and swat it away.

“Ayeeeeeee!”

“Jeez Louise. It’s a goddamn bug, you nut.”

“You said a bad word. Oh, and you killed an innocent creature sent from the afterlife to bring you good luck. You’ll probably have a satellite fall on your head or something now. I’m not standing anywhere near you. In fact,” she continued as she got out, “I’m calling a taxi.”

“Get in this car right now, young lady.”

“No.”

“The bug’s not even dead, anyway.”

“How do you know?”

“Because it has wings. It just flew away. I saw it.”
“Liar.”

“Get in the car.”

“Fine, but if some eighteen wheeler careens out of control and splats you all over the window, I’m not even going to mourn. You do have life insurance, right?”

“Shut it.”

She reluctantly got back in and secured her belt. She stared at me as we drove out of the parking lot. As fate would have it, some idiot came tearing around the corner, slammed on his breaks, and stopped within three feet of my door.

“See?”

“Look, honey, we don’t do superstition in this family.”

“Then how do you explain what just happened? I think it was a sign from Juno.”

“It was just coincidence.”

“Didn’t your horoscope say something about staying in bed today?”

“It’s just some punk in a damn Toyota who was probably on the phone.”

“Oh, and he just happened to be passing by at the exact moment you reached the corner.”

“Precisely.”

“You’d better go back and check on the ladybug.”

“I will not. Stop being silly.”

I pulled out and turned left on my side street. As I accelerated up the hill, a bird took a giant dump which landing in a perfect star formation at driver’s eye level. Mary raised an eyebrow as I pushed the windshield wash button, resulting in a white and yellow semi-circle smear.

“Fine.”

I turned to the right and flipped a U-ey. When I pulled back into the space next to my original one, I was careful to avoid running over the bug, which would have probably caused a lightning strike. As soon as I put the Jeep in park, Mary jumped out. Sure enough, she found the ladybug crawling around on the pavement, unaware of the angst it caused me. She lifted the bug gingerly, showed me, and gently blew in her palm, causing my lucky bug to fly away.