Ah, here you are, finally. Welcome!
I watch your clan as you approach with a human swarm of strollers, bags, children, cheese snacks, and flotation devices. You blend in perfectly with the rest of the entertainment:
- Infants with chubby legs and wide-rimmed hats who can't wait to be dunked into the pool so they can relieve themselves therein ... kind of like their grandparents.
- Two-year-olds coated in white glop who run around the pool like drunks in an obstacle course while you tell them (twelve times this hour) to "stop running or else."
- The four-year-old boy crying as you drag him around by one arm
because he wants to leave and will cry when you try to leave because he wants to stay.
- Six-year-old girls with blue lips and crooked goggles who cling to the side of the pool and ask you to watch.
- The six-year-old son your husband decides to toss around the pool like a javelin. Don't worry, it's not technically abuse,
regardless of the horror you see in your offspring's face as he flails
through the air into a belly flop and lung full of chlorine. What's the harm in a few emotional and physical scars? They build character.
- Eight-year-old boys who you have armed with pool noodles--especially the clever, new ones that they can fill with water and shoot at people who don't want to get wet. Neat-o!
- Ten-year-old girls who are bored.
- Teenagers who pick their zits and check their phones incessantly.
Don't infer from my sunglasses, earbuds, and the line of beers under my chair that I don't enjoy your little circus. It reminds me why I had my man-ovaries disconnected. You're a natural ring leader; I'm not cut out for the job. I'd be sedating the circus midgets and locking them in the room so I could burn in peace.
I see you've inspired a woman who proudly parades her baby bump around the pool with a bikini tucked beneath the flesh-colored medicine ball with an out-y. Her children would certainly not act like yours. They'll behave.
Well, that was a fun weekend. Let's do it again real soon. If you ever need a babysitter, you know who not to call.
