How long after a breakup must you wait?

Is there a certain resting period required after a relationship ends? Are we like microwaved food, dough, or wet paint? I think not. If your man gives you the heave-ho, you're free to go, Sugartoe. The minute you receive that icy message--"I think we should see other people"--consider yourself released and free to entertain other options.

Men have foolish pride, so it rarely works out that way. Clyde gives Bonnie back the keys to her vulva hoping she doesn't hand them to Mr. Next too soon. That's nonsense. If Clyde can't commit, she can and should begin healing immediately, and if such healing requires the touch of another man (or woman), it's her right to solicit such.

Ah, but friends complicate matters further. One day after Clyde tells his buddy, Jackson, that he's cut bait, Jackson runs into Bonnie looking better than ever with a new suitor in tow. Jackson fancies himself a New Age Columbo, as he fires up the photo app and sends incriminating (?) photos to Clyde.

"Check it out, dude: Bonnie is already with another guy."
"That fucking whore!"
"I know. Man, I'm sorry. She's heartless."
"I bet she was banging that guy all along. That's why we were having so many issues."
"No doubt. But, wait, you broke up with her, right?"
"Yes, I did, but you don't see me out poking some new skank. I'm home alone healing."
"You want me to go confront her?"
"No. I'm coming over."
"Cool. I got your back, bro."

It's senseless. All logic has been purged from men who think this way. Who's to say the new guy isn't her friend, for example. I play the role of healer often. I get to play pool and provide emotional support and encouragement. I don't get to play hide the pepperoni. The last thing I need is for her ape-ish ex to attack me for dressing the wounds he inflicted.

Men, when you relinquish your woman, you relinquish your right to control her or be jealous of what she does and how long she waits to do it.

The Man Can't Control Himself

Stay away from men in high demand. That’s the best advice I could give you, whether you’re a starlet or a high school senior. It applies forever. This doesn’t imply that you have low ambition. It’s common sense. You’re not taking home a piece of art or a sports car. The higher the demand is for your man, the more competition you have and the harder it will be to keep him loyal.

But, don’t just take my word for it. Look around.

No threats will keep a mega-opportunity-having dude from messing up either. Financial threats, limited access to loved ones, eternal damnation, reputation destruction, and physical pain aren’t enough. Why? Because men have fallen behind women on the evolution track.

Women usually think shit through logically and know not to jeopardize long-term satisfaction for short-term gratification. Conversely, as soon as two words make it from his ear to his cortex (“blow” and “job,” if you must ask), the future fades and the man reaches for the cookie jar. Bad boy!

I said this before to Sandra and I’ll say it again to Demi: You need to find a low profile dude who wouldn't risk losing something so unobtainable for momentary bliss.

Think about it. When I walked into the bar tonight, two people were happy to see me, and neither one would ever consider sleeping with me—yes, the bartenders. The rest of the patrons may have noticed me and, heck, a woman looking to breed may have even raised an eyebrow at my fashionable jeans. Yet, no vaginas were tossed my way.

Now, if Ashton walked into the same establishment, practically every available coochie-toter in the place would suddenly be an option and, thus, a temptation. It takes too much to override that sensation. The male ego rises above common sense and creates an insensitive prick. The dude knows that if he were to plop two of these women into a hot tub, very little good could come of it. He knows the likelihood that one or both of those vixens will sprint to the nearest tabloid and cash in at his expense. He knows the hour-long boffapaloosa could never be worth the torment he’ll receive from the media, his wife, and family. He knows the potential financial devastation and total career destruction could be cataclysmic.

It won’t matter.

Here’s the oddest thing to me: The parts on the strange woman are going to feel remarkably similar to those on the woman he has waiting for him at home. The excitement coming from the naughtiness might make it slightly better—because, naturally, some of the passion faded at home—but not substantially. Less than ten seconds after he ejaculates, he’ll begin to regret what he did and wonder how he could be so stupid. Then he’ll go into justification, panic, and damage control modes. He’ll swear that if he’s lucky enough to get away with it he’ll never do it again. (Really?)

Go slumming, my dear. Find yourself a man who’s way out of your league—to the downside. Make sure he knows you’re way of it his league—to the upside. Then you have a fighting chance of keeping your puppy in your yard. Otherwise, don’t be surprised when you hear his lies.

It Takes Two

Now hold on just one second there, Sister Theresa. These much-hated men aren’t out screwing tree stumps; there are women on the other end of those affairs. I’m not making excuses for the disloyal among us, just reminding all the pig pointers that it takes two to make a thing go wrong.

The women involved in these celebrity affairs have a tendency to gain sympathy and popularity. Why? How often are these women unaware that the men they bed are committed to others? Rarely. No doubt, the men are making some outrageous promises in order to quicken the parting of the thighs, but the “victims” usually play their roles voluntarily.

Here are the top reasons why a woman would sleep with a man who is in a committed relationship with another:

1. I didn’t know. (Oh, bullshit.)
2. His relationship is failing. (It is now.)
3. He promised he’d leave her for me. (Of course he did.)
4. I’ll lure him away. (No, you won’t.)
5. I don’t like his woman and I want to hurt her. (What goes around …)
6. I really don’t care what his status is. I’m doing this for me. (Well, at least you admit it.)
7. I don’t want to know. (But you do, don’t you?)

Don’t women ever think the man’s cheating sets a precedent? If he cheated on her with you, don’t you think it’s likely he’ll cheat on you with the next one? I always think of that when I’m with a taken woman. (If you just gasped, quit it.) I consider that she’s probably a short-term lover since I can’t see myself changing someone’s ways. Short-term love is better than no love, isn’t it?

My sarcasm leads one to believe I’m disloyal and untrustworthy. Untrue. I can be loyal. I admire loyalty when it’s not forced. I don’t want anyone to stay with me for any reason other than she wants to be with me. I don’t want her to stay because of the cats, kids, or threats from lawyers or deities. If I annoy my woman to the point where she’s tempted to be pollinated by another, she should leave (preferably before the pollination).

I guess that’s the main rub here: men who cheat instead of leaving. They’re so greedy and hurtful.

I have numerous acquaintances who break up and get back together more often than I change my home’s air filters. Inevitably, something comes out along with the excuse, “But, it was while we were taking a break.” Then there’s that to deal with. The guilt whip will be deployed henceforth upon every bump encountered.

I don’t feel sorry for the wives or mistresses any more than I hate the men who cheat. I’m not in any position to judge them. I feel sorry for people who are trapped in dysfunctional relationships.