I don't care if you have a boyfriend.

I must have F-me eyes. While involved in a casual conversation with a lady, if she has a boyfriend, she'll usually mention him within ten minutes. This annoys me. She should save that little ditty until after I have asked her out. By using the B-word before I express my interest, she is being presumptuous.

Case in point:

• While giving me a trim, my barber happened (and you have no idea how rare this is) to be an attractive female. I gave her minor direction: short on the sides, blend in the top, and the rest is up to you since you're the expert. The topic of tequila came up in discussion and I mentioned I had tried coconut tequila for the first time the night before. She responded with, "My boyfriend and I did shots of that last night too."

Do I give a fuckity fuck who did shots with her? Nope. That annoying appendage (boyfriend) has no place in our discussion. Hence, I didn't hear what she said; I heard:

• Look, Assface, you're paying me to cut your hair. Don't try to flirt with me because I'm not going to sleep with you. I'll do you the courtesy of hinting that the reason is because my vagina is currently occupied by another man who may or may not be superior to you, depending on what angle is taken. In actuality, I'm not attracted to you and wouldn't mate with you even if I had a fifth of tequila, a deep itch, and a dark room. Now, can I please finish mowing your head lawn so I can collect your three-dollar tip and move on to the next balding creeper.

To defend my honor, I should have replied:

• That's so nice for you that you have a boyfriend. Believe it or not, unoccupied vaginas come a dime two dozen, so yours isn't so precious. If you were single, sure, I'd probably offer to give you a deep dicking, but all I'm concerned with at this moment is that the back of my neck is cleaned up and you're exceptionally careful with how you handle that straight edge. I will generously extend a twenty percent tip and, if you don't appreciate it, you'll not have another shot at my scalp. May the next man you trim be eighty, smell of gouda, and I hope be yanks his carrot under this stupid cape while you rush to complete your job before he completes his.

Please keep your boyfriend to yourself. Good day.

What to do if you don’t like a best friend’s boyfriend?

If I’m dating your BFF and you don’t like me, I have some advice for you: Go dry hump a cactus. Ah, just kidding. It would be unrealistic for me to expect everyone to approve of my sarcasm. It’s also too much work to win the approval of people who I didn’t choose as part of my decision to date my woman.

So, what should you do if you do not approve of the man your friend is dating? Here are some suggestions:

• Make sure that your disapproval doesn’t stem from jealousy.
• Get all the facts. Certain physical attributes and skills can override some of the most glaring personality flaws.
• Be supportive of your friend’s decision.
• If you’re convinced that he’s a toad, do some investigative work, and gather evidence before presenting your case. A good place to start is by looking for his profile on popular dating sites. He’s probably lying about his age by five years, minimum, so start there.
• Find excuses to avoid double dates where you would make your disdain for him painfully obvious.
• Keep it to yourself. You’re not dating him so get over it.

Please don’t:

• Sleep with him to discover what she sees in him.
• Threaten him with bodily harm if he doesn’t excuse himself from the relationship.
• Break them up by telling him that she has herpes, hepatitis, and incurable halitosis.
• Schedule an intervention with her, especially on live TV.
• Get her drunk and introduce her to a parade of male alternatives.
• Invite her ex-boyfriend to an event the new boyfriend is attending.

Shouldn’t we be watering and weeding our own lawns, ladies? If your BFF is happy with her man—regardless of how douche-y he is—be happy for her and support her decision. Lord knows she’ll probably be back sipping chardonnay in the circle of singles soon enough. Be supportive and wait until he’s gone before deploying the BFF’s favorite phrase: “You deserve so much better, sweetie.”

I rarely find BFFs who approve of me. How sad is that? BFFs look at me with a certain expression, which has become all too familiar. It’s hard to describe in print though. If I made the face, you’d recognize it.

You can replicate the look. Go stand in front of a mirror and imagine at the foot of your bed is the most amazing pair of shoes you’ve ever seen. They’ll go with everything. When you tried them on, they made your butt pop, and wearing them was like walking on a velvety cloud of (synthetic) mink fur. Got it? They were too expensive, but you couldn’t let them go. You splurged and bought them. You can’t wait to don them this weekend and be the envy of your tribe. Aren’t they marvelous? OK, now imagine finding an uncle ejaculating upon them. Quick, note your expression. Yep, that’s the one.