Pub Crawlers

Rookie drinkers were out again last night. The latest travesty, I mean strategy is themed pub-crawls. I blame the parents of these clowns for giving Halloween too much attention. I guarantee their parents were the ones who dressed up and begged door-to-door with their children. Sad. The last beggar who came to my door was dressed like a painter and offered to paint my house number on the curb. I told him to scram (I was out of mini Snickers).

When I saw Halloween in August last night, I had to ask.

“So, what was the bet?”

“Huh?”

“The bet you lost.”

“Oh, no, we’re doing a Johnny Depp pub-crawl.”

“How does that work?”

“We each dress up like a character from one of his movies and then walk pub to pub having a beer at each one.”

“Interesting. Which character are you?”

“21 Jump Street … get it?”

“Well, duh. How could I not? Hey, can I suggest a theme for your next crawl?”

“Sure.”

“Amy Winehouse.”

“But, she’s …”

“… dead, yes, that’s the point. You each can put on bump-its and drink until you die and then meet up with the Weekend at Bernie’s theme crawlers.”

“…”

“Too soon?”

Why can’t people just crawl from pub to pub old-fashioned style? You enter, have a beer, look around, and if nobody interests you by the time you hit bottom, pay your bill and stagger to the next pub. No costume required.

My friends and I do this every weekend. We enter, survey the premises, and decide whether to set up our tree fort or crawl to the next pub. Aside from the obvious—short skirts, high heels, and breastuses—the bait that keeps men rooted includes:

• frosty beer mugs
• hot wings, burgers, and tater tots
• flirtatious bartenders and servers
• ESPN (excluding the fucking WNBA)
• pool tables

I assume packs of women do it too. Women can spend most of the night discussing treatments, fashion disasters, and Lululemon. They don’t need swinging dicks around to keep them interested. When and if they decide to open for business, customers are easy to find.

Beware, however, that while some of the following may appear to be pub-crawl themes, usually they are not:

• Men with shaven upper chests in v-neck shirts are not from Studs R Us.
• Men in extended-toe shoes are, indeed, Jokers. Ask them to juggle for you.
• Men in Tommy Bahama shirts are not Love Boat escorts.
• Men in cargo shorts are not plastic Old Navy models.
• Men wearing sunglasses indoors are not Men in Black.
• Men in visors are not on the professional golf tour.
• Men in skinny jeans are not Cock Olumpians.