What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Her number comes with a time limit.

I see a cute woman at the wine bar. She glances my way, smiles, and waves. I zip through my rusty, internal hard-drive to evaluate the target.

  • Someone I dated? Nope.
  • Did I sleep with her? Nope.
  • Coworker? Nope.
  • Gym? Maybe.
  • A friend's ex? Possibly.

Strategy: Warrants further investigation before attempting penetration.

"Hey, how are you?" I ask with hesitation on the last word, hoping she lends a hand.
"Kelly."
"Yes, that's what I thought it was. I'm so bad with names," and courtship.
"I met you a while back with your friend, Will."
"Yes, I remember." I really don't.
"It was kind of fucked up, what he did."
"I know." Not a clue. "He's a real shit. I only keep him as a friend so I can counsel his victims."
"Oh, so he told you?"
"Um, I think so." Oh, fuck.
"What did he tell you?"
"I'm sure your side of the story is more accurate." See me dance?
"Well, I gave him my number that night."
"Right."
"And, naturally, I didn't hear from him in the next few days, so I figured he wasn't interested."
"Ah."
"Then, two weeks later, he texts me around ten at night, obviously from a bar."
"Foul!"
"I know."
"What did he say?"
"He asked if I wanted to get together. I responded telling him to give me one good reason to go out with him."
"Did he?"
"No. He said, 'OK, never mind. Let's not waste each other's time.'"
"Yikes."
"Right? I'm sorry, but your friend is an asshole."
"Let me ask you this: If he would have responded differently, including an apology for not getting back to you sooner because he was busy with work, would you have gone out with him?"
"No."
"I see. So, you basically attempted to turn his rejection around, and it backfired into a second rejection for you."
"Men suck."
"I can't argue that, my dear. Next time don't encourage the sloth. Simply respond, 'Who is this?' You need to give the criminal sufficient length of rope to toss over the rafter and wrap around his neck."
"Fine. Then what?"
"When he responds, kick the stool out from under him by saying, 'Oh, hi. Honestly, I was pretty drunk the night we met and I only gave you my number because I felt sorry for you.'"
"Ouch."
"Don't worry. We're all well-schooled in the fine art of handling rejection. Here, I'll demonstrate: How'd you like to go home with me, and let me tie you up and give you a tongue bath?"

1 comment:

  1. Your posts are funny and insightful. A screen full of coffee isn't good for the computer but it's really worth it when I've read your blog. Please, keep up the excellent work and the stories. Fifty Shades Effed is so much fun and even better than the original.

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