What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I'll tell you what you can do with that bracket.

What an exciting time of the year! Even our esteemed president is getting involved. I'm talking about bracketology, people.

I just heard the collective yawn of thousands of women.

Actually, don't tell my brothers but I agree. Basketball blows. It's all squeaks, whistles, jumping-bean fans, and huge, sweaty, zit-laden kids with bangs and awful tattoos. Christ, the final two minutes of the game takes forever. I'd almost rather watch Snookie giving birth.

Every office has that annoying weenie who comes begging you to fill out a bracket. Resist the urge because if you place a bet, you'll be invested and forced to actually watch one of these silly contests. When Joe from accounting stops by your cube and asks for five dollars, here are the top ten nationally ranked responses you can offer:
  1. "Go fuck thyself and do it elsewhere."
  2. "I'd rather spoon wasabi into my eyelids."
  3. "I'll give you ten bucks to stuff that paper and your tiny dick into a shredder."
  4. Take the paper, blow your nose in it, and hand it back.
  5. "You're so ugly that when your wife dropped you off for work today she was fined for littering."
  6. Take the Sharpie, draw the word "Bitch" on your palm, and slap him with it.
  7. "God hates brackets too."
  8. "Please shut up and give that hole in your face time to heal properly."
  9. Fill in each winning slot with a different word for poop. If you need suggestions try dookie, dung, doo doo, dump, drek, dropping, and defecation.
  10. Start crying and explain that your cousin once violated you anally with a basketball pump.

1 comment:

  1. I like it! Thanks for the laugh. I actually won a bracket at work twice and placed second once, One year I won, I selected the winning team by their mascot and the other year I won by selecting which state I would rather live in. The year I placed second was by looking a team colors. I wasn't allowed to play at work after that but anytime I try to look at statistics, my bracket totally bombs

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