What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Why do drunk women make out?

You're having a family gathering and the kids are playing in the family room while the parents chat. One of the mothers realizes the kids are being remarkably quiet, for being kids. Upon investigation, Mommy notices the reason: They're playing house with dog kibble and decorative coasters. Before Mommy does something rash, Daddy asks her to weigh the silence against the possibility of bodily harm or damage. They concur; the children carry on.

This is similar to how I feel when I'm at a nightclub around inebriated women left unattended by their husbands. I'm the daddy who doesn't want to spoil the fun.

After a few triangular glasses are emptied, the carnage ensues. Daddy likey. Wife #1 says to Wife #2, "I bet you're a great kisser. Men don't know how to kiss. I love the soft lips on a woman. Guys have itchy fur around their mouths."

I took no offense.

Naturally, it was time to lip-seal the deal and the two women went at it like teenagers under football stands. I sat next to the show, giddy like a kid with his first scooter. As they got busy, Wife #2 grabbed my thigh and squeezed. I felt like the branch held between a soldier's teeth while he's having a limb amputated.

"How'd that work out for you? Is she a good kisser?"
"Oh, yes."
"All right."
"You're going to write about this, aren't you?"
"Only if you two involve some breast fondling in round two."

I was only kidding but I turned out to be kindling, as they went at it again. I looked around the club, wide-eyed, hoping my fellow swine weren't missing the show. A few men noticed and smiled like they found a beer geyser. Many women noticed and wrinkled their noses like they found a skid mark in the guest bathroom toilet.

This playful fun went on for hours. The group planned to taxi back to birthday girl's house later that night. I was invited, yet I passed. I deserve a gold star for having such restraint, but I fear I'll receive a rainbow-colored one instead. I've learned to leave, create my own reality, and avoid regret and armed spouses.

5 comments:

  1. I thought we did it to make you men hot and horney and tease you to the max :P But I have to admit I do like kissing other women ;) They're totally soft and gentle and don't try and swallow your face!!

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  2. You're a lot mentality stronger than I am, but armed spouses are a deterrent. LOL!

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  3. Bigirl=sexy. Biguy=less manly. As a bi guy I understand this and thus equal and oppositely understand gay and straight women annoyed by straight girl(s) making out. That said, I am also able to admit that a lot of that 'you cheapen the real thing' annoyance is 'why can't the buffet come to me' jealousy.

    Straight girls, don't pretend to like it. Bi girls, don't pretend you're straight and or try to exploit the 'chicks making out is hot' thing.

    Most of all, girls turned on by guys making out, you need to SPEAK UP.

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  4. Phil, your blog is a hoot. Clearly, we go to different clubs. I've been around, have gay friends, but can honestly say I've never been to a club where the wives start making out as soon as the husbands turn their backs.

    And I live in the OC, dude. Blondes and fake boobs everywhere.

    Don't worry. I'm sure that will probably show up on this season of the Real Housewives of the Vain and Plastic though.

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