What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Do you let your spouse off the leash?

The more married women I meet, the more I appreciate my vacancy. When a husband lets his wife off her leash for the weekend, it makes me wonder:
  • Is he secure enough in their love and commitment to give her space?
  • Has she been annoying the heck out of him about putting down the remote, taking out the garbage, and emptying the dishwasher?
  • Does the husband have a little side thing going?
  • Does she really have a husband or is she playing games?
  • Is the husband aware that she's out on the town, tossing back fruity shots like Fruity Pebbles?

Well, the best way to find out is to ask, right?

"How did you obtain the fun pass, Sugarlass?"
"We've found that spending weekends apart brings us closer together."
"Ironic and interesting. How so?"
"It gives him space to watch his porn and gives me space to, you know, have space."
"Tired of catching him making belly puddles?"
"No."
"Tube sock babies?"
"Ew, no."
"Sofa stickies?"
"Look, I don't mind. I've told him I'd watch it with him if he really wanted me to, but he doesn't."
"Well, at least he probably shaves his entire groin, makes funny sex faces, and manages to keep his bunghole out of the closeups."
"Sounds like you know a lot about porn."
"I find it contains great tips on how NOT to treat a lady."
"Really? So, how do you treat a lady?"
"I love to talk, read her poetry, tell her how beautiful she is, kiss for hours, nibble her earlobes, massage her feet, and ..."
"Right."
"What? You don't believe me? I'm hurt."
"Sexually. What do you so sexually?"
"After a three-month courtship and mutual commitment to monogamy, I become her personal orgasm delivery person. I even wear little brown boxers and flex my sweaty biceps. Now, would you kindly sign here for me?"
"You're silly."

Relationships aren't complicated; they're weird. Maybe it's a California thing. I can relate, Jim Morrison, people are strange and I am stranger.

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