What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, November 11, 2011

Do you know where your common sense went?


As humans, we have a tendency to seek reason where there is none. Most of what goes on in our lives is random. It may give us a sense of control when we blame the supernatural for causing noteworthy events. Still, I suggest this is mild insanity.

The modern calendar wasn’t even developed until 1582, which technically wasn’t the year 1582 until the calendar was created. It amazes me when intelligent people suggest ancient man simply started counting years after Christ was born. Many of these people also believe man once coexisted with dinosaurs and a magic pill will cause unlimited boners and weight loss.

So, it’s 11/11/2011. Wow. Technically, there is an annoying 2 and 0 within that date confusing things. I mean, if it were 11/11/1111 then we’d have something. Oh, I bet a shit storm of epic proportions would happen, including:
  • Happy hour portions wouldn’t be so damn chincy.
  • Teenage boys would cut their bangs and pull up their pants.
  • Teenage girls would stop dressing like Hollywood ho-bags.
  • Politicians, coaches, and evangelists would stop lying.
  • My sheets would fold themselves without eating one of my socks.
  • Cat fur would no longer stick to my clothing.
  • I’d watch an entire sporting event on TV without ads for Dremels or ED medicine.
  • A cop would pull me over and give me $300 and a gold star for my superior driving skills.
  • Children would leave the sofa, go outside, and play football.
  • An attractive woman would offer to buy me a drink without selling me anything or introducing me to Jesus.
  • Amazon would reward me as their 111 millionth customer by giving me unlimited free books to read on my Kindle.
  • Elvis, Freddie Mercury, and Michael Jackson would be discovered alive on a remote island in the south pacific.
  • My neighbor’s dogs would develop incurable laryngitis.
  • Hair would begin growing on the top of my five-head instead of inside my ears.
  • I could drink coffee and Coors Light without peeing every thirty minutes.
  • The US would foreclose on Bank of America, seize all of their assets, and hand them over to their rightful owners while relocating senior management to Guantanamo Bay.
  • Fast food commercials would stop featuring skinny, attractive people and show the lard-ass booth busters that more typically frequent those establishments.
  • President Obama would tell Michele Bachmann to take a flying fuck at a rusty pole.
  • Reality TV and adult cartoons would be cancelled and replaced by Laugh-In, Soap, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and The Carol Burnett Show.
  • NBA players would be forced to compete on Cupcake Wars.
  • 50 would be the new 30.
  • Scientists would discover that melted cheese causes immortality.
  • Women would burn bras again.
  • First dates would include playful touching instead of twenty questions.
  • Bikers would be forced to live on a carless island of spandex, leather, and silly helmets.
  • Aliens would arrive and hand out chocolate covered cherries and cannabis.
  • God would part the clouds and yell, “Psyche!”

5 comments:

  1. A couple issues I see with this post: 1. I would be happy if my sheets folded themselves, regardless of whether or not they ate a fucking sock. 2. I thought you needed something for that ED (that's what she said). 3. Elvis IS alive. Everyone knows he has a house in Hawaii. I've seen it and thought everyone knew this. I mean, knew that he lived there, not that I've seen the house. Duh. And for all we know, Freddie and Michael may just be pimping it up with him. 4. Certain women should never burn a bra. In fact, for some, it should be law they actually wear one at all times. Trust me. I know things. 5. I've never had a first date that didn't include playful touching (at the very least), who had time for 20 questions? 5. The only thing better than chocolate covered cherries or cannabis would be chocolate covered cannabis.

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  2. Habwaaaha. Just found your blog, so glad I did. Only read a couple of posts so far and I feel better already. You share my elderly but sick sense of humour I think (no disrespect intended!) Thanks for the laughs. x

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  3. Where do I need to wait for the aliens? I'm not too bothered about the cherries or the chocolate. Your stuff gives me a big smile even though I don't speak the same language. Chincy and ho-bags?

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  4. My tendency is actually not to see patterns, even when they are there! I would like to move to your alternative universe. How do I book that flight?

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  5. "President Obama would tell Michele Bachmann to take a flying fuck at a rusty pole."

    BAHAHAHAHA!

    I love you, man.

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