What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Scopes and Quotes


As I search for readers, I realize most of the ones I have found are women who also enjoy horoscopes and love quotes. Interesting. Perhaps I should shift my style from twisted reality to fluff. I can lather on thick coats of compliments and inspiration with the best of them. Still, when I practice this at a bar I usually hear, “Aw, that’s nice. Now, please remove your hand from my butt cheek.”

Who doesn’t enjoy compliments?
  • Leo is beautiful.
  • Aquarius is deeply concerned about the world we live in.
  • Scorpio is dedicated.
  • Gemini is playful.
  • Pisces is understanding.
  • Libra is romantic.
  • Taurus rewards friends lavishly.
  • Sagittarius is outgoing.
  • Capricorn will do anything to make you happy.
  • Virgo is writing this and rapidly dehydrating as he pukes all over his keyboard.

I wonder why men don’t get into astrology to the same degree. It must be due to a combination of pussification-fobia and being jaded. When someone delivers compliments, I know they’re typically expecting reciprocation. Depending on how lonely my penis is, I may indulge or resist.

“You have nice teeth.”
“Thank you.”
“Nice triceps too.”
“Really? Thanks. I work out.”
“I love those jeans.”
“Me too.”
“…”
“So …”
“Tell me something you like about me.”
“OK. You have wonderful taste in men—present company included.”
“All right.”
“Your turn.”
“I just gave you three compliments and that’s all you can come up with?”
“Ah, well, there’s another one: you’re generous.”

The love and sharing of inspirational quotes is another interesting pleasure for women. Men will have none of it. Men enjoy movie quotes. Inspirational quotes make our testes shrivel, unless they come from a movie about sports or with violence. Women hear Tom Cruise say, “You complete me” and gush; men hear it and say, “God, what a pint-sized pee-tard.”

How often do you hear women quote Scarface? Never. I have never heard a woman utter, “Say hello to my little friend.” I, on the other hand, deploy that ditty every time I stand at a urinal and then watch the man next to me scramble to zip up and run away.

Imagine you’re taking Mom out to dinner and she orders dessert. You remind her of her high cholesterol and she responds, “… they may take our bread pudding, but they'll never take our freedom!” Not likely, is it? In fact, if you don’t have useless nipples and an Adam’s apple you probably have no idea from which movie that quote is derived. Braveheart! Jesus, woman!

I’m simply too jaded to gain inspiration from quotes, and that’s sad. My inspiration comes in the form of credit card statements, to which I respond, “Fuck ’em! Fuck ’em in the ear! What are you talking about? Fuck ’em in the other ear!” Don’t tell me you don’t know that one? Seriously? You know “Funky tasting spunk,” but you don’t know Morrie’s rant about Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas? Ugh.

1 comment:

  1. OMG, I'm just getting started on you and you're absolutely killing me here with your hilariously accurate truths! I'm a "Call it like you see it" kind of gal and you present spot on! I'm seeing some of the last bits of the ever decreasing commodity of "Common Sense" still alive and kicking in your words....quite refreshing Phil. Bring
    it! :)

    ReplyDelete