What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, July 29, 2011

Survey Says

AskMen.com posted results from their “Great Male Survey” about dating and sex. There were few surprises. (Yes, men are apes.) I could have easily predicted most of the answers. (Horny apes.) Still, the results are interesting and worth sharing with your significant other to watch him squirm and lie.

Only 47% of men said they would dump their girlfriend if she became fat. The problem with that question is it requires more than a yes or no answer. It needs qualifying factors to get accurate answers. Wouldn’t this provide better insight?

Would you dump a girlfriend if she became fat?
a) No, because I’m fat.
b) No, if I became fat also.
c) No, I loves me a curvy ho.
d) Not if she gave legendary blowjobs.
e) How fat?
f) Yes.

Another question asks if men ever read their partner’s Facebook, email, or text messages. 36% of the men survey lied their asses off and said no. Men are stupid, but not stupid enough to confess to a crime without first trying to lie or plead ignorance. We learn this as children.

“Did you take the cookie, little Philly?”
“What cookie?”
“The one that was right there on the counter.”
“Huh?”
“The cookie you asked me if you could have and I said not until after dinner.”
“Sorry, I don’t recall.”
“Not thirty minutes ago you said, ‘Mommy, can I have a cookie?’ Did you not?”
“Well, now that you mention it, yes, I might have.”
“The cookie you were referring to was the cookie sitting here on the counter. I know this because you pointed to it when you asked me, right?”
“OK, it’s coming back to me in pieces now. Keep going.”
“… and now, look, no cookie.”
“Well, would you look at that? Interesting.”
“Might the cookie in question now reside in your belly?”
“This little belly?”
“Yes, your belly.”
“If it did—and note that I’m not saying it does—would it be such a bad thing? Really?”
“It would indeed be a bad thing because I told you not to eat it until after dinner.”
“Oh, did you mean tonight’s dinner?”
“…”
“There are so many dinners in my busy week. How am I to tell them all apart?”
“…”
“If you were more specific with your instructions perhaps this confusion would have been avoided.”
“So, it’s my fault you ate the cookie.”
“Objection, Your Honor. Leading the witness!”
“You have black Oreo cookie crumbs on your chin.”
“No, silly, that’s my goatee.”
“You’re six.”
“What? Oh, that cookie.”
“Go to your room.”

The most telling question was one that asked about sexual satisfaction. Only 12% were completely satisfied. This, my friends, is the reason why the divorce rate climbs as fast as the national debt. This, plus the fact that the men who expressed dissatisfaction did so on a public survey, which has no possibility of causing improvement, instead of to their sexual partners. The number one (Ding! Ding! Ding!) reason people cheat is because they are sexually unfulfilled. If you don’t want to be in that category, answer the question below and, most importantly, share your answer with your partner.

How satisfied are you with your sex life?
a) Completely satisfied with no room for improvement (and I’m lying my ass off).
b) Satisfied, for now.
c) Mostly satisfied, but I’d like to have more orgasms.
d) Mostly satisfied, but I’d like each session to last longer.
e) Mostly satisfied, but I think it’s time to add props.
f) Somewhat satisfied, but it used to be so much better.
g) Somewhat satisfied, but I’m running out of fantasies.
h) Somewhat satisfied, thanks to my own doing.
i) Unsatisfied, but any sex is better than none.
j) Unsatisfied, but it beats beating off.
k) Unsatisfied and unoccupied.

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