What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, June 13, 2011

Inappropriate?

Can we please get over our feigned disgust with body parts? I’ll poke fun at Weiner’s wiener like anyone else, but I have to admit (and this does not make me hoo-moo) his pee pee pic does not disgust or offend me. Nudity, in general, doesn’t offend me. I’ve seen certain clothed people who offended my senses much worse than nude people. Hang out at a public pool, the beach, or any popular nightclub in Palm Springs to see what I mean.

I wondered how the powers-that-be decided what’s inappropriate, so I posted a black-and-white close up of my hairy left nipple on Facebook. Sure, some of the comments (from hurtful pricks) included: “Gross,” “Ew,” “Ick,” and “Yuck.” But, a majority of the comments included a colon and right parenthesis indicating to the social media world that the person understood my sarcasm and found it amusing.

My nipple is not inappropriate, disgusting, controversial, pornographic, or unsightly. It’s a sensitive lump of useless skin containing lactiferous ducts arranged cylindrically around the tip.

SIDE NOTE: Once, back in my nightclub owning days, my manager and I were bored while a bunch of hillbillies two-stepped around my hardwood floor. I was playing with a ring box and decided it would be amusing to clamp it onto his shirt. My precision was uncanny as the box snapped shut on the very tip of his right nipple, causing him to squeal like a hungry piglet. He still hasn’t forgiven me. Then again, I haven’t apologized. It was amusing.

I guarantee that if I posted my nipple in the form of an upper body shot of me in board shorts on a towel at the beach reading Chelsea Handler’s latest, nobody would have balked. Therefore, the issue that was taken was with the proximity of the nipple. So, nipples are cute from a distance. I have to ask the Moral Majority: At what distance does my nipple become unsightly?

Maybe the problem is that my nipple has hair around it. Why is hair gross? Why are women removing all of their Twinkie hair? My nipple hair is uniformly trimmed (clipper setting three, if you must know) as is the rest of my chest hair. Sure, there’s some blond—sun bleached … OK, it’s fucking gray—mixed in. If I had never trimmed my chest hair and my chest resembled Tom Jones’ head, fine, I’ll accept that it would be unsightly but still not gross. In fact, let me ask you this: Which, on a man, is grosser? A hairy nipple or hairy back?

I know!

Imagine how disarmed the media would become if nudity were ordinary and acceptable? We’d have to begin raising our children differently. Because a minute percentage of people are deviants, we insist that private parts are naughty bits and they need to be concealed. Let’s stop hiding what’s completely natural (the human body) and start dealing with the disturbed people who can’t handle seeing one without misbehaving.

Here’s a small sampling of things I can find on Facebook right now, which are much grosser than my mammary papilla or, if you prefer, teat:
  • Duck faces.
  • Ads with young women looking to meet older men.
  • Donald Trump’s head.
  • Farmville.
  • Dogs (that one was contributed by my six-nippled furballs, Syd and Symon).

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