What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Reasons you should consider the old dog at the shelter.

Since I'm single and an exceptional wingman, I enjoy a great view of mating dances from behind bars.

You've been to the animal shelter, right? You're checking out the cute, yet sad animals in the cages, trying to decide which to save. There are spunky puppies yapping and playing. You like those. There are tired, lonely dogs lying at the base, staring up at you. Sad. Over in that far corner, in his dusty cage is an older dog, calmly gnawing on hide. He winks at you. He's cute, but you want a puppy.

"Aw, look at this old fella."
Yeah. I'm flattered. Move along.
"I wonder if anyone will adopt him."
Doubtful, but that's OK.
"He'd probably make a good companion."
Well, that depends. Would you?
"I'm sure he's housebroken."
I chew what I should and I shit where I should.
"He looks tired, though. He's probably not very playful."
No, I'm not going to chase a fucking flying plastic disc.
"The last two puppies I took home drove me crazy. I probably should consider a well-trained grown dog."
But, you won't, because you haven't been trained.
"I think I'm going to get the puppy."

It's the same silliness in human adoption. I'm not claiming all older men are better-trained. We grasp for the games of youth and pay the price, occasionally. Still, if you take home a puppy, you're going to have your hands full.

Part of the blame for this masochistic tendency is the way the media glorifies romance. Women create lists of attributes they must have in a man, including:
  • Tall
  • Dark-skinned
  • Defined abs
  • Good job, his own home, no roommates, and a nice car.
  • Believes in a similar diety.
  • No ex he's not over.
  • Close-knit family.
  • Within five years of my age.
  • Likes pets.
  • Is available to see me when I'm available.
Naturally, they meet someone outside this range and consider filing a waiver. The friend reminds them about the list, insisting "it would never work out." So, they walk past the old dog's cage and pick up the trainable puppy. Let the shoe chewing begin.

Women are all caught up in the impression they give to society, so they worry about being with the mature dog and being labelled as a gold-digger who has daddy issues. Pity. Have fun with that, sweetness. I've grown to enjoy my shelter, with or without you.

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