What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, July 23, 2012

Reasons why superlatives suck the most.

I'm feeling extra sensitive. Perhaps I'm going through man-o-pause. As I watched The Bachelorette finale last night, I hugged a pillow, sipped chardonnay, and dabbed my eyes with Kleenex. (OK, not really.) When Jef piled on the superlatives by claiming Emily was the most beautiful, smartest, kindest, best woman/mother, he forgot to add those four words to make it acceptable: "for me right now." Even if he did, it would be technically inaccurate. Without using those words he insulted other fine women as well as more-deserving men.

He also bragged about how God brought this perfect person into his life. So, God spurned all other men to bless His High-Hairness? God decided that Emily is the woman most worthy of the "best woman ever" title? Me thinks he should thank Lord Harrison instead. He should also thank the producers for stocking the pond with so many douche-guppies.

When a woman gushes to me about her man, my sarcasm generator kicks in forcing me to tilt my head and utter, "Is he?"

"He is the most wonderful man in the world."
"Right, the New York firefighters who run into crumbling buildings couldn't compare."

"He's my best friend."
"Right, and a dog is his best friend, so you're a runner-up to something that eats its own vomit."

"He's the sexiest man alive."
"Right, go watch Magic Mike and give it a few days to sink in."

"He's the most romantic person who ever lived."
"Right, this will come in handy when you stop putting out and he needs to land a mistress."

Rarely do men brag to other men about their mates. Thank goodness. When they do, it's typically something sexual about an impermanent lover. On rare occasion, when Mr. Clueless decides to gush to me about his wife, my shield of sarcasm deflects the blows.

"My wife is the best mother."
"Really? Guess I'll fly east and get that title belt from my mother who raised thirty foster babies."

"She's my best friend. She knows me better than anyone."
"Right, I'm sure she always dreamed of being a you expert."

"She's the sexiest woman alive. She can't get enough of me."
"You don't get out much, do you?"

"She's the most loyal woman in the world. I trust her completely."
"Right, I'm sure her last boyfriend said the same thing. Her loyalty is indirectly proportional to her opportunities."

Well, maybe I'm the most jaded man in the world, who continues to shoot himself in the foot by keeping it firmly planted in reality.

2 comments:

  1. Trust me, it's got nothing to do with man-o-pause or menopause. I'm 24 and I feel the same way. Cynicism all day, everyday.

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