What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Proven: Controversy Sells!

When I saw all the negative reviews come in on E. L. James' Fifty Shades books as the sales shot up, I had a feeling the controversy was driving them. Heck, it persuaded me to buy them. I was tempted to send my books to reviewers I knew would be highly offended (Sunday-morning people) in order to feed my evil machine. But first, I needed to perform an experiment: Write a controversial post. Not highly controversial, mind you--mildly. Sure enough, that post increased my blog traffic over 500% and drove a great week of book sales.

(Sure, it caused some neglected housewives to blog out their sexual frustration on someone not financially supporting them: me. Bring it, you lonely windbags, I can take it.)

Time to step it up. Daddy's hungry for filet and top shelf bourbon. More controversy must be served! OK, let's see how many controversial statements I can make in one blog post. Let the gasping begin.
  1. Obama is the best president of all time, and he should replace that dope Franklin on the hundy.
  2. Gay people are better dressers, less obese, and more sexual than straighties.
  3. Abortion is a much better option than dick-numbing condoms.
  4. Steroids make sports interesting.
  5. (Stand back. I'm going to use the N-word now.) Nipples need nibbles.
  6. Dogs that bark should be baked at 350 degrees and served with cabbage.
  7. Wine is for pussies, especially white wine. ({}) <--- My sign for a large, stinky pussy.
  8. We don't pay enough tax. I want banked fucking turns and gold-plated curbs on my street.
  9. Bring back the Humvee, and this time make it bigger.
  10. God lives in an poppy patch, where She reads her Kindle and farts a lot.
  11. Whiny children should be locked in closets and fed celery.
  12. French people are kind.
  13. Bloggers are doo-doo heads. Um, wait--except me.
  14. Professors should be having sex with their students in order to "teach" them the proper ways to have sex.
  15. Stop signs are merely suggestions, especially when you have to pee.
  16. The inside of a vagina is no prettier than an uncircumcised cock.
  17. Hiney sex is fun, especially in the bathtub.
  18. Fat people are happier.
  19. The Tour de France needs weapons.
  20. Cats are way fucking smarter than most humans, especially ones from Pennsyltucky.
  21. Nothing is better than a blowjob ... nothing.
  22. The drinking age should lowered to two and pot should be handed out like coffee sleeves.
  23. Cocaine smells good.
  24. Bald isn't beautiful, it's fucking regal.
  25. People who post negative comments on my blog are fat-tongued, yeast-infested, jiz guzzlers.

There you go. Every statement comes directly from my loving heart. I guess that makes me wicked. I should be punished, yes? Don't you ignore me! I'll never learn if you do. Let me have it, you mindless rube. ( ! ) <--- That's me mooning you. Nyah, nyah. (I'm dancing, doing the twist right now, with my tongue out.)

Oh, come on already. Jeez, you are stupid. Just go up there to the top-right and type in "random insult generator" in the search box, if you need help. Christ, must I do everything?

9 comments:

  1. I laughed at 8, then realized I do actually want that. As well as 19.

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  2. Haha! Can I add to your list, "Forget the Olympics. Let's start a real-life Hunger Games for all the self-entitled brats under the age of 18 - Bieber and Twilight fans will be the first to compete."

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  3. You're so naughty. Love it. Thanks for the frequent laughs!

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  4. I don't find these negative! I approve of them. :)

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't find any of that controversial or insulting. And those who don't appreciate a dancing full moon don't know how to live. You're going to have to try harder, sir.

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