Dear [insert name of ex/colleague/critic/neighbor/random ass-hat],
This is not about you; it's about me. I'm venting.
Gee, golly, you are annoying the [living/freaking] [piss/shit/heck] out of me. You probably don't realize it, because you are an oblivious [pee-tard/monkey/lump of pus] who lives in [her/his] own [little/smelly/flea-ridden] world. If you would care to look beyond your own [enlarged/pocked/greasy/deviated] nose, you'd notice fellow passengers on this blue marble, to which you claim ownership. We don't [like/respect/have any use for] you.
Have you ever ridden the [subway/bus]? You know that odoriferous slob who always seems to select the vacant seat next to you? The one who showers monthly, at best, and talks to himself. Yep. That's you--figuratively--on this ride of life.
There are numerous traits I detest about you, beginning with the fact that you're so oblivious that you will deny all of them. How doth thou annoy me? Let me count the ways.
[Insert all that apply.]
- You whine when I don't answer your [call/text/email] immediately, yet your phone seems to be dead more often than Kenny from South Park.
- You never pay your fair share of the bill, which--oh, by the way--includes little things you may have heard of called tax and gratuity.
- You've told me the same fucking story five times and, although it has changed slightly each time, it has not improved.
- You've tagged me in unflattering Facebook photos numerous times, although I've asked you not to. You think it's funny. You think I'm kidding. I'm not.
- Speaking of Facebook, one more status update from you about going shopping, and I'm going to begin hurling expensive china.
- You whistle off-key.
- Stop trying to borrow my [Chapstick/lip gloss/eyeliner/deodorant]. It's gross.
- You use the word "like" so often that you make me want to stab my ears with a cocktail fork.
- Your [pet/baby/boyfriend/girlfriend] is so not cute. You're either blind or doing ugly-care community service.
- You tell enough white lies to coat a ski jump.
- You have no idea what personal space is.
- It takes you half an hour to decide what to order, then you customize it excessively, and send it back to the kitchen, where I hope they spit in it.
[Sign and date here.]
P.S. Have a nice day! ;)