What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, July 9, 2012

Form letter to a person who is annoying you.

This is a wonderful stress relief exercise. I bring it to you free of charge. No expensive webinars from me. No, sir. Copy and paste this document, and select the words that are most appropriate. Once complete, print it out, read it aloud, and shred it. (People have guns and lawyers.)

Dear [insert name of ex/colleague/critic/neighbor/random ass-hat],

This is not about you; it's about me. I'm venting.

Gee, golly, you are annoying the [living/freaking] [piss/shit/heck] out of me. You probably don't realize it, because you are an oblivious [pee-tard/monkey/lump of pus] who lives in [her/his] own [little/smelly/flea-ridden] world. If you would care to look beyond your own [enlarged/pocked/greasy/deviated] nose, you'd notice fellow passengers on this blue marble, to which you claim ownership. We don't [like/respect/have any use for] you.

Have you ever ridden the [subway/bus]? You know that odoriferous slob who always seems to select the vacant seat next to you? The one who showers monthly, at best, and talks to himself. Yep. That's you--figuratively--on this ride of life.

There are numerous traits I detest about you, beginning with the fact that you're so oblivious that you will deny all of them. How doth thou annoy me? Let me count the ways.

[Insert all that apply.]
  • You whine when I don't answer your [call/text/email] immediately, yet your phone seems to be dead more often than Kenny from South Park.
  • You never pay your fair share of the bill, which--oh, by the way--includes little things you may have heard of called tax and gratuity.
  • You've told me the same fucking story five times and, although it has changed slightly each time, it has not improved.
  • You've tagged me in unflattering Facebook photos numerous times, although I've asked you not to. You think it's funny. You think I'm kidding. I'm not.
  • Speaking of Facebook, one more status update from you about going shopping, and I'm going to begin hurling expensive china.
  • You whistle off-key.
  • Stop trying to borrow my [Chapstick/lip gloss/eyeliner/deodorant]. It's gross.
  • You use the word "like" so often that you make me want to stab my ears with a cocktail fork.
  • Your [pet/baby/boyfriend/girlfriend] is so not cute. You're either blind or doing ugly-care community service.
  • You tell enough white lies to coat a ski jump.
  • You have no idea what personal space is.
  • It takes you half an hour to decide what to order, then you customize it excessively, and send it back to the kitchen, where I hope they spit in it.
Now, please stop annoying me, you [lame, brain-dead, ugolicious, rectum-sniffing smegma eater/festering, puke-inducing, smelly-crotched bumwipe/vermin-ridden, anti-genius, vomitrocious ape-face].

Yours,
[Sign and date here.]
Grumpy

P.S. Have a nice day! ;)

5 comments:

  1. I do this with paper and pen, then I tear the letter into little bits, whilst cursing the persons name...if I'm really angry I burn the bits too. Once letter and vent are disposed of I wipe my hands of it and feel much better :) The next time I see said idiot I smile at them...for some reason they seem to leave me alone after that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. A letter is great and so is a voo-doo doll and lots of pins...

    ReplyDelete
  3. too funny! I may have to use this one day... maybe even today. I have a meeting ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. It often seems we're on the same wavelength although our styles are somewhat different - I dropped this friend bomb on my blog today (http://wp.me/p1XdzB-cN) and wrote it disguised as one of my advice seekers (i'm a chicken - i know). I should just send my "friend" your letter and be done with it. Love your blog and share it often - it's the brightspot in my day! Keep it up, thanks.

    ReplyDelete