What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

ABC Announces the Next Bachelor: Satan

In light of recent seasons featuring too much sobbing and not nearly enough violence, ABC has decided to cast none other than the Prince of Darkness to get rating backs where they belong.

“Recent contestants have caused numerous douche chills with their incessant whining and blubbering,” according to independent TV ratings. “Female viewers seem turned off by high hair, hairless chests with little-boy nipples, and runny noses. It’s obviously time to insert a bad boy.”

And, who could fill the role better than the angry beast from Hades? We stopped by his steamy pad in the bowels of the earth, and interviewed the new bachelor (AKA Jimmy Mac) about his role.

“So, Mac, what are your expectations for this season?”
“I’ll tell ya one thing for sure: There will be lots of fuckin’.”
“Wow. Anything else?”
“I may gnaw some toes off the ones who annoy me, and slap others with a trout. It all depends on my mood.”
“Is there anyone you’re hoping to connect with?”
“Well, since that horse-lipped hedge-head Ben stole Courtney away, I’m not confident the talent will be up to my standards. Courtney would have made the perfect bride. Damn it. Guess I’ll wait until she breaks down and starts hitting the pipe. Hey, speaking of chicks on that slippery slope to rehab, where’s Vienna?”

ABC has been silent about who the contestants will be, but they did leak three of the names to whet the media’s appetite. Here’s your first look at who might wind up your Princess of Darkness.

Raychel - She’s a blogger from down under who enjoys casting imaginary spells and mashing vegemite into her forehead.

Robbin - Known for her uncanny ability to stuff an entire beer bottle (not a twelve, yo--a forty) into her baby hole, this one must be an early favorite.

Susie - This bulbous skank from Kentucky has been preparing to suckle Satan by ingesting gallons of horse semen before each derby.

Some of the romantic destinations for dream dates allegedly include a rest stop in Idaho, a Dumpster behind Taco Bell in Tijuana, and a large medical waste container containing aborted fetuses and Larry King’s scrotum.

It will be a season to remember.

1 comment:

  1. If for some reason Satan doesn't pass the background check, casting producers have Dracula as a backup...ABC's not afraid to play the Twilight card to boost ratings.

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