What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I don't care if you have a boyfriend.

I must have F-me eyes. While involved in a casual conversation with a lady, if she has a boyfriend, she'll usually mention him within ten minutes. This annoys me. She should save that little ditty until after I have asked her out. By using the B-word before I express my interest, she is being presumptuous.

Case in point:
  • While giving me a trim, my barber happened (and you have no idea how rare this is) to be an attractive female. I gave her minor direction: short on the sides, blend in the top, and the rest is up to you since you're the expert. The topic of tequila came up in discussion and I mentioned I had tried coconut tequila for the first time the night before. She responded with, "My boyfriend and I did shots of that last night too."

Do I give a fuckity fuck who did shots with her? Nope. That annoying appendage (boyfriend) has no place in our discussion. Hence, I didn't hear what she said; I heard:
  • Look, Assface, you're paying me to cut your hair. Don't try to flirt with me because I'm not going to sleep with you. I'll do you the courtesy of hinting that the reason is because my vagina is currently occupied by another man who may or may not be superior to you, depending on what angle is taken. In actuality, I'm not attracted to you and wouldn't mate with you even if I had a fifth of tequila, a deep itch, and a dark room. Now, can I please finish mowing your head lawn so I can collect your three-dollar tip and move on to the next balding creeper.

To defend my honor, I should have replied:
  • That's so nice for you that you have a boyfriend. Believe it or not, unoccupied vaginas come a dime two dozen, so yours isn't so precious. If you were single, sure, I'd probably offer to give you a deep dicking, but all I'm concerned with at this moment is that the back of my neck is cleaned up and you're exceptionally careful with how you handle that straight edge. I will generously extend a twenty percent tip and, if you don't appreciate it, you'll not have another shot at my scalp. May the next man you trim be eighty, smell of gouda, and I hope be yanks his carrot under this stupid cape while you rush to complete your job before he completes his.

Please keep your boyfriend to yourself. Good day.

9 comments:

  1. You know, it's possible that a woman mentioning her boyfriend has nothing to do with you. I often speak to men who will mention their wives within a few minutes and it seems just as presumptuous to assume that they're telling me about their wives to tell me they're not interested. A lot of people who are in relationships speak in terms of "we" instead of "me" much of the time.

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  2. Sure, that's possible. It's also possible that I'm a paranoid mess. Still, boyfriends are annoying pests--I wish they'd go away ... husbands too.

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  4. This cracked me up. I think you forget that mentioning one's boyfriend may feel out of place to you as a man, but would not be among her gfs. It has zero to do with your interest, and everything to do with his place in her life. It's why your seeing it happen so regularly, this one's not about you, LOL And frankly, because she's partnered, most likely happily, you're off her radar so she really doesn't care if it bothers you. She may even be secretly thrilled it prevents her from having to tell you no if you DID get the wrong idea.

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  5. Guess I'll have to settle for commenting with a blogspot image - ick. Tried to delete it and get my wordpress ID to publish but no dice. Oh well.

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  6. I agree with the comments above and also, even if a woman does mention it so you know she's attached, it's not necessarily because she thinks you're interested, it's just because she'd rather avoid that awkward moment of having to turn you down if you ARE interested. Once again, nothing to do with you - she's not concerned that you are definitely interested, she's concerned about what she's doing giving you the wrong idea. banter can be mistaken for flirting (OK sometimes it's the same thing) - if you know she's gota boyfriend, she can banter without you thinking it's flirting.

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  7. hahaha you're a cynical twat.... I like your shit dude.

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  8. Judging from that picture, I think it might help if you didn't take your dick out while she's giving you a haircut!

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  9. I agree, I agree and I agree. Why can't I just have a polite conversation no matter: banter, flirting or both, without the boyfriend/husband cock block? It's as if I'm really thinking I'm about to ask this woman out that's been standing in front of me in the grocery line - just because she's in front of me. When did 'how you doing?' change to 'I'd love to break you back tonight, you in?' Yes, ladies, I understand that men hit on you all the time, in all the places, but NOT all pop up chats lead to that. For the men, a quick cure: change the focus to the boyfriend/husband and don't go back to anything else. "So how's he doing today? Did he make it off to work okay? What kind of work does he do?" and so on. She'll get tired and voluntarily change the subject herself.

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