What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Are you mom enough? You betcha.



The latest issue of Time Magazine shows a 26-year-old mother breastfeeding her three-year-old son. Naturally, this picture has caused quite a stir, so allow me to dip my rusty spoon into the media hype soup.

Things I find disturbing about the photo:
  1. He's not using a napkin.
  2. He's not properly cupping the breast while extending his pinkies--horrible manners, young man.
  3. The look on his face definitely says, "nya, nya."
  4. There's an unoccupied breast.
  5. I detect a bit of thickness around his middle, suggesting he's overindulging and needs to take a few laps around the neighborhood before his next meal.
  6. I appreciate that while serving food, she has her hair up, but shouldn't she also be wearing gloves?
  7. Camouflage cargo pants are so 2009.
  8. He's not paying proper attention to the clitoris during nipple stimulation ... oh, sorry, my bad ... this only applies to lovers, not offspring. Never mind.
  9. Her choice of shoes is atrocious. She could help the little suckling reach by wearing pumps.
  10. Why did his grade school allow him to take his chair home with him, or did mom deliver his lunch to school?
Things that would make it more disturbing:
  1. If she were unattractive.
  2. If her daughter, with a bob cut, dined.
  3. If his father watched.
  4. If the son had a mini-boner.
  5. If she were holding a romance novel in her free hand.
  6. If he invited his neighborhood buddies over for dinner.
  7. If they were in the bathtub.
  8. If she were a Kardashian.
  9. If Ryan Seacrest interviewed her while feeding.
  10. If his T-shirt read, "Got Milk?"
Things that would make it less disturbing:
  1. If some of the milk dripped off his chin, onto the floor, and the cat lapped it up.
  2. If he wore a cute bib--maybe one with a lobster on it.
  3. If he were fifty years old.
  4. If he were black or Latino. Where's the EEOC when you need them?
  5. If he had some Oreos.
OK, Time Magazine, next time you know to consult me. Here's a suggestion for your next cover: A father (either paternal or priest) showing the daughter how to insert a tampon.

(http://www.time.com/time/magazine)

2 comments:

  1. I'm breastfeeding my 1 year old and I'm going to let her wean herself. There is nothing wrong with it. Maybe you could educate yourself and help support the health of children.

    Also just finished your book. It was great parody.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lady, I sure hope you detected my sarcasm in this post. I'm also kind of parched at the moment. ;)

    ReplyDelete