What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Why are you hanging on?


Divine darlings gathered for a reunion last night to drink wine and catch up on gossip and sex lives. I lurked. Finally, one of the lovelies noticed me and thought she knew me from somewhere. Yep, I dated her friend. I played along, hoping the ex didn’t trash me too thoroughly.

“Hi, you look so familiar to me.”
“You’ve probably seen me on TV.”
“Really?”
“Yep, Awful Chefs, Lifestyles of the Poor and Insignificant, or The Perpetual Bachelor.”
“Ha! No, I don’t know you from TV.”
“Well, Christine, I haven’t a clue.”
“Wow. I’m impressed. You remembered my name.”
“I also remember where we met and what you do for a living. Still impressed, or is this becoming creepy?”

Take note, gentlemen: Remember as much as you can when you meet a woman. Drill it into your memory. Make room by casting away the useless ditties you’re storing, such as:
  • Childhood friends’ phone numbers.
  • A grade school teacher’s name.
  • The details surrounding your first orgasm.
  • Important dates, which can easily be transferred onto an electronic calendar.
  • How to make a margarita. (Leave it to the experts.)
  • The lyrics to “Da Butt.”
  • Quotes from Seinfeld.
  • High school locker number or combination.
  • Pi.
  • The capital of Norway.
  • Who was president before Reagan.
  • Where you hid the porn.

Turns out the woman I impressed was married (*sigh*) but her friend was delicious and ringless (*grin*), so I began my mating dance. Turns out my target had a boyfriend I could tell she was none too pleased with.

“Why do you stay?”
“Because I can’t see myself hanging out in places like this.”
“Oh, it isn’t so bad.”
“It’s such a scene. Ugh.”
“And you’d rather stay in an unfulfilling relationship?”
“Beats being alone or desperate.”
“Leave him immediately.”
“What?”
“Go home right now and start packing. This is nonsense. You’re wasting your time forcing something to work that has probably been over for months or years. Move on!”
“No. I’m not going to go through dating hell again. I can’t imagine hanging out in bars or online dating sites. That would be depressing.”
“It is what you make it, darling. If you seek desperately, you make yourself unattractive. If you’re amused by the process and see it as a way to meet new people, you’ll thrive.”
“So, are you telling me you’re here in this club tonight to network?”
“That’s not the ultimate goal, but it’s one I can live with. I met you and you’re not going to sleep with me … are you?”
“Doubtful.”
“See? I still like you and am enjoying our conversation even though it probably won’t end in a sex puddle.”
“Fair enough.”

God, I hate to see women hanging onto to the frayed threads of remnant relationships. Please lose the man who isn’t treating you right as well as your fear of being judged for doing so.

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