Thursday, November 17, 2011

Think about what you’re occupying.

When you want to be heard, you speak in a place where the ears you’re trying to reach can hear you. You should also have a point, not just a gripe without a proposed solution. Nobody wants to hear whining. This is what annoys me about all of the “occupy” protests going on. People are gathering in places where the intended audience spends little time. The protesters are carrying signs and chanting aimlessly. You wouldn’t pray this way.

“Dear God, I’m pissed.”
“What about?”
“Well, you know where the exit is.”
“Seriously, Dude, this sucks.”
“What does?”
“For one thing, I don’t have as much money as I used to.”
“So, you think you should be paid for sitting in a tent in a park playing Angry Birds on your iPhone.”

I’ve had little luck in the romance department; that’s no secret. Would it make sense for me to plop a beach towel down in front of a hair salon? Should I chant to the ladies getting their weekly blowouts, “I lost my wife, now I got no sex life”? Ladies would step over me while delivering condescending glares. Sure, some would show pity. They’d probably toss me a porn magazine or suggest I get a puppy.

I would love to protest about this recent trend: Women give me their phone numbers, don’t answer when I call, and don’t return my message. Some take it a step further and complain the next time they see me that I didn’t pursue them sufficiently. What’s that all about? If I chase them, I’m the creepy leech guy; if I lie back, I’m the aloof low-ambition-having goof.

To protest the above mistreatment, what do you suggest?
  • Don’t ask for phone numbers. Ask for Facebook friending.
  • Take my shirt off so they can decide if they really want to waste a number on such a furry beast.
  • Disclose my feline fancy.
  • Import a bride from overseas.
  • Take a yoga class wearing a T-shirt that reads, “I prefer doggie style to downward dog.”
  • Scan the obituaries for emotionally unstable recent widows.
  • Stuff a pool noodle in my pants.
  • Go to a gay club, pose as a gay male, and infiltrate an all-girl table telling them I’m curious.
  • Netflix.
  • Hair coloring, chest shaving, teeth whitening, Spanx for men, elevator shoes, and trade my 401(k) for a Mercedes.
  • Beg an ex to take me back.
  • Aim a lot lower.
  • Become a marriage counselor.
  • Write about it, hoping to find the ticklish spot on a woman in a similar situation.


  1. I've had trouble grasping the occupy movement and I think you've just hit the nail on the head for WHY. It's all well and good to have a problem, but protesting about that problem without having a solution is basically passing the buck. This is my problem - now you fix it. I don't know how, but fix it anyway. At the very least, that's not likely to be an EFFECTIVE protest. The best negotiations occur when you can go to the table and say I want a, b, and c. It's always a good idea to throw in d, e and f as well, which you don't really want, because you won't get everything and it's nice to have some stuff that you don't want that you can 'grudgingly concede'.

  2. I suppose you could pitch a tent in front of a random woman's home until, after walking past you for a week, she finally asks what you're doing. At that point, you can tell her you're protesting the fact that she's married and you're not. Then she can ask you what you want her to do about it and you can show her a sign that says something like "We're the 50% who are single." And she can say, "Oh, OK, now get off my lawn".

  3. What bothers me most (as someone who's ranted for years about this "corporatocracy" -and is thus expected by all his friends to support this nonsensical movement) is that they seem to be proud of the fact that they don't have any real central points or goals. I have to repeatedly hear them say things like "we don't need a central theme, we're just angry". I'm sorry but for something called the information age i guess i expected more, and by more I mean anything at all reflecting a group of people who read something other than memes.

  4. I'm going to try stuffing a pool noodle in my pants. Thanks, Phil!

  5. Christina, the effect will be lost on you ... I hope.

  6. I really don't think it's accomplishing anything. I'm actually tired of hearing about it. Police brutalizing the protesters? Protesters are perfect angels? Being kicked out of their "camp"? This all falls in the same category with Ashton and Demi getting divorced. I'm tired of it already.

    How could any woman resist those beautiful blue eyes of yours?????

  7. I know this is a humor post, but I think the Occupy movement is pretty straightforward: they are protesting the tremendous growth of income disparity in the US & the disproportionate influence of the financial/corporate sector on our political system. As someone else who has been ranting about these issues for decades, I applaud the fact that they've managed to provide a focus on these issues and spur a greater public dialog. And the out of control police response in places like Oakland also calls attention to some things that IMO have gone terribly wrong in our country. Since when did we start accepting that campus policemen should look like Robocops and act like a military occupying force?

    If you have not seen it, I suggest you check out James Fallows' post, called "The Moral Power of an Image." Fallows writes for the Atlantic and has reported from all around the world--a very smart and respected journalist. One of the pieces I've read recently that IMO puts the movement in its proper context.