What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Don't date a dummy.


If you are a dummy, then move along. Otherwise, why would you waste your time dating someone who is as intellectually stimulating as a cold speculum? It’s like taking a class where you know more than the teacher does. Sure, it’s nice to have arm-candy, but eventually that human bracelet will open its mouth and ruin the fun.

You need to find someone who is slightly more intelligent to keep you engaged. There’s a tiny problem you’ll need to overcome due to the paradox—you’d be the dumber one. That’s where you can tout your other skills to make your ignorance tolerable. If I date an intellectually superior woman, I concentrate on my foot-rubbing, lasagna-cooking, and giggle-inducing skills. She won’t need my help completing crossword puzzles.

“I’m seeking a four-letter word for ‘An instrument of love.’”
“Cock?”
“Quit it.”
“Dong?”
“It’s not a dirty word, nimrod. This is in the New York Times.”
“Phil?”
“How self-serving.”
“Can I buy a vowel?”
“No, this isn’t Wheel of Fortune. Ah, I figured out the adjacent word. The one I need begins with R.”
“Rail?”
“You’re incorrigible.”
“Thank you, I think. That is a compliment, right?”
“Not exactly.”
“Don’t be mean. I bought you roses today, remember?”
“Rose!”
“No, roses. There were twelve. I counted.”
“The word is ‘rose.’”
“Oh. Of course it is. I knew that. I was just playin’.”

See? I can cover my mental gaps with humor. Most dummies don’t understand my jokes or they take them personally. Hence, dummies don’t last. I offend them and they respond by calling me a “douche” and restricting access. Case in point: Yesterday, I posted what I thought was a clever tweet based on a trending topic.

“#iknewitwasoverwhen Adele sang.”

This created a hippo stampede of women calling me an insensitive “h8ter.” I'm actually a fan of Adele. I’ve read numerous interviews where she refers to herself as overweight and, in fact, she prides herself on not giving a shit what people think about her appearance.

“I like having my hair and face done, but I'm not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy.” – Adele

So, why am I being mean when I agree with her? Whatever.

Back to my original point: You need to date someone who inspires you. Playing the teacher role is exhausting. Dating a sexy dummy is like:
  • eating microwaved filet mignon.
  • drinking lukewarm espresso.
  • playing catch with an iPhone 4S.
  • wearing a sexy skirt with tighty whiteys.
  • watching an NFL football game on the stadium TV.
  • complaining about the current president although you didn’t vote.
  • spraying Chanel on your cha cha.
  • paying the valet although you parked your own car.
  • dunking a Milano cookie in light beer.
  • wearing a biker outfit on a stationary bike.
  • going to the library to read comic books.
  • masturbating in jet bathroom to join the Mile-High Club.
  • ordering a Reuben without the meat.
  • adopting a yorkie for protection.
  • eating egg whites. 
  • getting a spray-tan in preparation for your beach vacation.

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