If you are a dummy, then move along. Otherwise, why would you waste your time dating someone who is as intellectually stimulating as a cold speculum? It’s like taking a class where you know more than the teacher does. Sure, it’s nice to have arm-candy, but eventually that human bracelet will open its mouth and ruin the fun.
You need to find someone who is slightly more intelligent to keep you engaged. There’s a tiny problem you’ll need to overcome due to the paradox—you’d be the dumber one. That’s where you can tout your other skills to make your ignorance tolerable. If I date an intellectually superior woman, I concentrate on my foot-rubbing, lasagna-cooking, and giggle-inducing skills. She won’t need my help completing crossword puzzles.
“I’m seeking a four-letter word for ‘An instrument of love.’”
“It’s not a dirty word, nimrod. This is in the New York Times.”
“Can I buy a vowel?”
“No, this isn’t Wheel of Fortune. Ah, I figured out the adjacent word. The one I need begins with R.”
“Thank you, I think. That is a compliment, right?”
“Don’t be mean. I bought you roses today, remember?”
“No, roses. There were twelve. I counted.”
“The word is ‘rose.’”
“Oh. Of course it is. I knew that. I was just playin’.”
See? I can cover my mental gaps with humor. Most dummies don’t understand my jokes or they take them personally. Hence, dummies don’t last. I offend them and they respond by calling me a “douche” and restricting access. Case in point: Yesterday, I posted what I thought was a clever tweet based on a trending topic.
“#iknewitwasoverwhen Adele sang.”
This created a hippo stampede of women calling me an insensitive “h8ter.” I'm actually a fan of Adele. I’ve read numerous interviews where she refers to herself as overweight and, in fact, she prides herself on not giving a shit what people think about her appearance.
“I like having my hair and face done, but I'm not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy.” – Adele
So, why am I being mean when I agree with her? Whatever.
Back to my original point: You need to date someone who inspires you. Playing the teacher role is exhausting. Dating a sexy dummy is like:
- eating microwaved filet mignon.
- drinking lukewarm espresso.
- playing catch with an iPhone 4S.
- wearing a sexy skirt with tighty whiteys.
- watching an NFL football game on the stadium TV.
- complaining about the current president although you didn’t vote.
- spraying Chanel on your cha cha.
- paying the valet although you parked your own car.
- dunking a Milano cookie in light beer.
- wearing a biker outfit on a stationary bike.
- going to the library to read comic books.
- masturbating in jet bathroom to join the Mile-High Club.
- ordering a Reuben without the meat.
- adopting a yorkie for protection.
- eating egg whites.
- getting a spray-tan in preparation for your beach vacation.