What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, November 18, 2011

Are you looking to date your daddy?


Not literally, silly. Take a little inventory of your recent bedwarmers. How many of them—specifically, the ones you liked for more than their sub-sheets skills—had similar personalities to your father? Go ahead and think about it. I’ll wait.

Just got a tiny chill, didn’t you?

It’s actually not so creepy. You’re expected to love your parents and you probably developed a deep appreciation for the sacrifices they made to help create the ball of wonderfulness you currently are. Consider how many evenings your father would have rather done almost anything other than spoon feed you candied yams, pick up all the Cheerios you tossed on the floor, and change shirts stained by your projectile “stuff.” You'd damn well better appreciate it, young lady!

I exploit this tendency when I meet a potential lover. I have her describe her father. Based on that description, I know if I have a title shot or not.

“How is your relationship with your father?”
“Oh, it’s great. He’s a magnificent person.”
“So, you’re daddy’s little girl.”
“Yep. He spoiled me with gifts and hugs.”
Duly noted: Buy things and cuddle.
“Aw.”
“He always made sure I knew how proud he was of me.”
Also noted: Voice appreciation often. Emotional propping may be required.
“I’m sure he’s proud. Look how amazing you are.”
“Thank you. He maintained a positive outlook and went out of his way to help people.”
Another note: No whining about my misery and carry some spare change for the homeless.
“Well, I hope to meet the fellow someday.”
“I’m sure you two would get along famously.”
“Hey, as long as he’s not allergic to cats or a Tim Tebow fan, we’ll be tight.”

Women need a reality check, though. Not every father can be the best father ever. Some, frankly, had to suck. One easy way to see if your admiration is justified is to review your last five or so lovers and see what percentage of them were considered by most of your friends to be unworthy of you.

“What on earth did you see in Stan?”
“He’s a good guy.”
“He totally is not. He treats his ex-wife like shit.”
“Maybe that’s because she’s psycho.”
“What about his insecurity issues? He was the most jealous man I ever met.”
“That’s because he loved me so much. He couldn’t stand the thought of me with another man. It would make him crazy to consider that I loved anyone before him.”
“… and then he cheated on you.”
“I know. Well, I guess things weren’t going as well as I thought.”
“What?”
“If I gave him what he needed, he wouldn’t have cheated on me. It was momentary weakness. He apologized and promised to never do it again.”
“Wait. Didn’t he get a different girl pregnant right after you forgave him and took him back?”
“True. Well, it’s over now. He’s a good guy though.”
“Oh my god. Please stop defending him.”

This woman was obviously neglected by her “wonderful” father, as were most women who find themselves hopelessly attracted to bad boys and abusive men. She needs to meet a nice guy and change her expectations of how men should treat her. If you have a friend like this, tear her away from her father figure and guide her gently toward a gentleman.

1 comment:

  1. Most of my relationships have been with men who were absolutely nothing like my father. My current relationship, though, I see similar qualities, and I am the happiest I've ever been. That does slightly give me the creeps!

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