What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Are you a butt girl?


When matchmakers circle around me, I’m asked typical questions. Then I wonder: Are women probed in a similar fashion? I mean, how many times has a friend asked if you’re a butt or chest woman before hooking you up with a brother, cousin, or coworker? Ladies are more concerned the three Hs: height, hair, and how much.

“So, Phil, are you a boob or butt man?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“Kidding. Actually, I’m neither.”
“Impossible.”
“I’m a man who appreciates a proportionate woman, if that makes sense. I don’t like tits on a stick. I don’t like chocolate buns on a vanilla momma.”

Don’t get me wrong; I realize women like chests, arms, legs, and butts. They’re just more concerned with the firmness than the size—penis excluded, sort of.

If I describe my latest blind date to a buddy, he wants to know certain attributes excluding hair color, clothing choice, and which perfume she wears. Imagine how haywire this conversation would go:

“Tell me, studly, how did it go with Match.com date number two hundred forty-nine?”
“Fine, thank you very much.”
“And?”
“She’s got light brown hair, she’s around five-foot-four, she wore a tan cardigan over a sheer blouse with Joe’s jeans in indigo, and she was carrying a fine leather clutch from Coach.”
“OK, pull the cock out of your ass and try again.”
“She’s an aesthetician, she enjoys romance novels and walking on the beach. She ran her first half marathon this past spring.”
“Does she have hairy balls?”
“Fine, asshole. She came up to my nose, she had teardrop titties, and a delicious arch in her back. We made out a little, including some over-the-clothing play. She wore a lace thong and I’m pretty sure she dampened up a bit and will grant me a second date.”
“Much better. You can have your man card back.”

Then there’s the celebrity crush question. Most dorks respond with the usual including Kim, Halle, J-Lo, and Jessica. Not I.

“I’d have to go with Patti, Chelsea, Sandra, and Reese.”
“Interesting. Why?”
“Every woman has bumps and holes. I want one with that plus intelligence, pride, skill, and a sense of humor to tolerate playful kidding without leaving me on the sofa with a spare pillow and blanket after one of my wisecracks.”

Women are naturally concerned with how financially secure men are. I don’t care and I don’t want someone liking me for the size of the lump in the back of my pants. Ladies don’t really want sugar daddies, do they? Would some really trade all their pride and pleasure for an Amex Black? Gross!

The safest thing to say is you’re not typically attracted to men who … blah, blah … but, if there’s chemistry, who knows? That’s the truth, right? How many times have you described Mr. Perfect in your journal and then fell in love with a man who couldn’t be more different? I was married to a beautiful nurse with thick, curly hair and marshmallow lips. Will my next love be similar? Unlikely.

Don’t challenge Nature by placing constraints on yourself. Let love come and flow where it may.

3 comments:

  1. Ah Phil..."that plus intelligence, pride, skill, and a sense of humor to tolerate playful kidding"...I think I <3 you. LOL

    Great post, as always.

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  2. I'd date you but I'm married. To a girl. Which is to say: I'm a girl man. Sorry.

    I'm anxious to know the answer to the question about whether women get asked the same questions... Something tells me they don't.

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