What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, October 17, 2011

What to do if you don’t like a best friend’s boyfriend?


If I’m dating your BFF and you don’t like me, I have some advice for you: Go dry hump a cactus. Ah, just kidding. It would be unrealistic for me to expect everyone to approve of my sarcasm. It’s also too much work to win the approval of people who I didn’t choose as part of my decision to date my woman.

So, what should you do if you do not approve of the man your friend is dating? Here are some suggestions:
  • Make sure that your disapproval doesn’t stem from jealousy.
  • Get all the facts. Certain physical attributes and skills can override some of the most glaring personality flaws.
  • Be supportive of your friend’s decision.
  • If you’re convinced that he’s a toad, do some investigative work, and gather evidence before presenting your case. A good place to start is by looking for his profile on popular dating sites. He’s probably lying about his age by five years, minimum, so start there.
  • Find excuses to avoid double dates where you would make your disdain for him painfully obvious.
  • Keep it to yourself. You’re not dating him so get over it.

Please don’t:
  • Sleep with him to discover what she sees in him.
  • Threaten him with bodily harm if he doesn’t excuse himself from the relationship.
  • Break them up by telling him that she has herpes, hepatitis, and incurable halitosis.
  • Schedule an intervention with her, especially on live TV.
  • Get her drunk and introduce her to a parade of male alternatives.
  • Invite her ex-boyfriend to an event the new boyfriend is attending.

Shouldn’t we be watering and weeding our own lawns, ladies? If your BFF is happy with her man—regardless of how douche-y he is—be happy for her and support her decision. Lord knows she’ll probably be back sipping chardonnay in the circle of singles soon enough. Be supportive and wait until he’s gone before deploying the BFF’s favorite phrase: “You deserve so much better, sweetie.”

I rarely find BFFs who approve of me. How sad is that? BFFs look at me with a certain expression, which has become all too familiar. It’s hard to describe in print though. If I made the face, you’d recognize it.

You can replicate the look. Go stand in front of a mirror and imagine at the foot of your bed is the most amazing pair of shoes you’ve ever seen. They’ll go with everything. When you tried them on, they made your butt pop, and wearing them was like walking on a velvety cloud of (synthetic) mink fur. Got it? They were too expensive, but you couldn’t let them go. You splurged and bought them. You can’t wait to don them this weekend and be the envy of your tribe. Aren’t they marvelous? OK, now imagine finding an uncle ejaculating upon them. Quick, note your expression. Yep, that’s the one.

4 comments:

  1. Reminds me of that joke about the girl who always moans that her *friend* always gets all the attention... She says to a guy *How come xxx always gets the attention?* His response *Well, why not get yourself an ugly friend?*... Oh dear.. is that too cruel?! Lara Lakin @ Secret Life of a Divorcee

    ReplyDelete
  2. LMAO! Very true, but I usually just deal with it, tell her she could do so much better, and introduce her to a slew of much better prospectives AFTER getting her drunk.

    Aren't I an awesome friend?

    ReplyDelete
  3. You made some good points there. You made me think twice of how to handle certain situations. One of my girlfriend is dating a douche and there is nothing I can do except to see her happy makes me happy. If she really loves him, she does love him. I don't love him so that's why I don't see what she sees in him so that is none of my business. However, if he does cheat on her or such things like that then it is my place to tell her to get rid of him.

    We just have to accept who they are dating or married to. LIFE IS A BITCH!!

    ReplyDelete