Ingredients

Another one of those stupid online surveys asked men what they want in a wife. Duh, their penises. Next question, please. If they asked the same question of women, the answer would something inane like, “A best friend.” Oh, lonesome and bitter me. Where’s the romance? Fine.

Here’s a sample of what the ape's responses were after the grunting:

• Sports fan
• All of her teeth
• College degree
• Large boobs
• Support
• Cleanliness
• Freaky sex

Here are things this ape wants in a wife:

• Directions
• Confidence
• Intelligence
• Sex drive
• Hatred of condoms
• Feline fanciness
• Financial responsibility
• Appreciation
• Sense of humor
• Baseball knowledge

These are things I don’t want in a wife:

• Other men
• Gods
• Cigars
• Secrets
• Cocaine
• Bad breath
• Real estate license
• Leechiness
• Womb for rent
• Arrogance

No surprises there. The problem is we can’t order our spouse from a menu where we can trust the ingredients listed are true. Every dish I’ve ordered from the Match.com menu had falsely listed features. The caloric contents were typically understated as were the number of diners who previously enjoyed the dish.

If women were polled, I predict they’d want the following in a spouse:

• Great kisser
• Sensitivity
• Successful career
• Height
• Talented tongue
• Hairless back
• Generosity
• Good listening skills
• White teeth
• Dedication without distraction

Well, therein lies the problem: Our desires don’t match up. This is why each gender needs to modify the list to include the most important feature of all: tolerance. We need to accept the bad with the good. Any undesirable feature can be overridden by a but.

“…, but she gives a legendary blowjob.”

“…, but he owns a penthouse and a Ferrari.”

“…, but she has an amazing ass.”

“…, but he loves to cook dinner and cuddle.”

“…, but she doesn’t want to have children.”

“…, but he’s about to be signed by the Yankees.”

“…, but she’s old, rich, and has a bad cough.”

“…, but he gets free tickets to fashion events.”

“…, but she knows very little English.”

“…, but he’s such a nice guy.”