What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Cold


If you bring home a puppy, it’s probably going to require more attention than you expect, it will leave behind some messes, and it’s going to whimper when you walk away. You can tell the puppy ahead of time that it’s a temporary thing. It won’t matter. You can ask the puppy to avoid becoming too attached. He’ll just yap and rub on your ankles. Still, if you like puppies, you must selfishly lose any guilt they toss your way.

An exceptionally fit woman, freshly divorced with two children, thumbed her iPhone while rolling her eyes in disgust.

“What’s up, buttercup?”
“Ugh. I’m so tired of babysitting. I guess I should know better than to hook up with boys twenty years younger.”
“Twenty years? Really?”
“Yep. I know—I’m kind of giving away my age.”
“… and your pussy.”
“WHAT?”
“Let me finish … and you’re possibly the hottest sixty-year-old I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m forty five, goofball.”
“Ah. Sorry. I didn’t get a proper reading on your elbows.”
*ding*
“Jesus. He’s been texting me all night. He wants to meet up.”
“You’d be similarly frustrated if he didn’t text you at all, right?”
“No. I want him when I want him. He’s just a toy to me. Now, he’s starting to develop feelings and becoming needy.”
“Isn’t that natural?”
“Not when I told him upfront this was just going to be a fling and he’ll never meet my children.”
*ding*
“Wow. Why don’t you give the poor fella a break and invite him over?”
“Nope. Tonight I’m out with the girls. Maybe later, if I get the urge, I’ll hook up with him.”
“Damn. You’re cold.”
“I was married for fifteen years. This is my time.”
*ding*
 “Brrr.”

Her married friend enjoys the escapades. It’s vicarious joy when good and another reason to stay married when bad.

“So, what do you think of your friend’s little pet?”
“He’s hot.”
“How about from the neck up?”
“A bit needy.”
“What’s your advice to Miss Cooler?”
“She should have fun with him until he gets too needy, and then move on.”
*ding*
“Four texts in five minutes must be crossing the needy line, approaching psychosis.”
“Yep. He would have been done after the second one if it were me.”
“You do realize what’s going to happen here, right?”
“What?”
“She’s going to meet an age-appropriate man who won’t play the please-love-me game, she’ll wonder why he won’t chase her, and then she’ll become the puppy.”
“Hm.”
*ding*
“In the meantime, I guess puppy love is better than no love.”

This dating-out-of-your-decade thing is a recent phenomenon for women. They’re not very good at it. Men have been doing it since Adam. Perhaps I’ll offer a course in puppy care. They’ll call me The Lovepuppy Whisperer. Puppy owners will leash their pets and come to Dr. Phil’s office for training. I’ve got my rolled up newspaper and spray bottle ready. If the puppies are too difficult, I’ll euthanize those fuckers and offer my services at a steep discount.

1 comment:

  1. My boyfriend is 17 years my junior. Men have been doing this for thousands of years. So whats the big deal now that it's women? Seriously. I'm not being bitchy, I want to know. I find people look at me as a child molester (he is 29 ffs)yet a man who does it is simply given the thumbs up by other men and envied some where deep inside their heart. I think honesty is the issue. I personally think since she said it from the get go...you know the rest

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