What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, July 18, 2011

Nadal Plays Roles for The Bachelorette

ABC cut costs filming this season of The Bachelorette by having Rafael Nadal play the parts of two of the bachelors when he wasn’t busy smacking the shit out of tennis balls.

“I’m surprised it took six weeks for people to notice,” said Nadal. “It’s amazing what a little hair gel can do for a fellow.”

Bachelorette, Ashley, admitted she was confused when the producers employed various tactics to fool her. The first few weeks they had the Ben version accept the rose and then while she returned to the dish of roses he tossed it aside, gave his hair a shug-shuga-shug, and took his position on the opposite end as Constantine.

“My fans know I have mastered the volley as speeding back and forth across the court is second nature to me. That little crybaby never noticed. Ha, ha, ha!”

Ashley started to catch on last week when the producers took a chance.

“We underestimated her intelligence,” associate producer Bob Finkleberg lamented. “Usually a high-pitched voice and big hair come with a large dose of oblivion.”

At last week’s rose ceremony, the producers placed a full-length mirror next to the Ben version of Nadal. Ashley stared at it like a cat watching a circus juggler. Show host, Chris Harrison, finally became frustrated with the television silence and slapped her in the back of the skull.

“That’s when I realized something was amiss,” remarked Ashley. “Constantine must have gotten the squirts from those oysters last night and he couldn’t make the rose ceremony. What a clever group of producers we have on this show! I can totally see how viewers didn’t notice a thing.”

“Actually, I was wrong,” recanted Finkleberg, “she is absolutely as dumb as seaweed.”

Nadal has been a good sport about the whole thing.

“I thought for sure she’d select one version of me over the other and not both. That would have simplified things. Then I almost twisted my ankle at the last ceremony when I was distracted by the reflection off the forehead of that Ames dude. God, what a melon!”

The producers are hoping Ashley comes to her senses this week and keeps only one or neither of the doppelgangers, as Nadal really needs to get back on the pro circuit.

“We’re going to try a Sesame Street game with her,” explained Chris. “Here, I’ll sing a verse for you: One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just isn’t the same. You get the picture, right? I’ll sing it to Ashley while she stares at three versions of Nadal and a crumpet. If she picks the crumpet, there will be a week eight. If she doesn’t, I’m going to dowse myself in 151 Rum and dive into the fireplace. I can’t take this shit much longer.”

Be sure to tune in tonight and play along with Ashley as she receives subtle clues about the ruse ABC is pulling on her while she continues fantasizing about that douche Bentley.

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