What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Meet Me

PlentyOfFish has this “Meet Me” capability where the site cycles through a list of matches with their headlines and a few pictures. There are three choices: Yes, Maybe, and No. I’d love to be the atypical male who reads every headline and views every photo before deciding. I’m not. I am a shallow monkey.

I had my assistant, Symon, collect my reactions as I went through over one hundred of these “matches” today.
  • Argh! That close up is way too close.
  • Really? Sparklers and fishnets. Interesting … dangerous … and nope.
  • I get it: you’re outdoor-sy. Nobody looks good with a canteen strapped to her.
  • Head tilting isn’t helping. What’s wrong with your neck(s)?
  • Ah, the hand under chin pose. Cute … when you’re in grade school.
  • A picture of you (cute), Santa (odd), and your dog (stupid).
  • I see. Your legs extended at the beach from your head’s perspective. Unoriginal.
  • Are you surprised or is that the Botox looking?
  • You’re firing a gun? Oh, that’s attractive.
  • You’re in a picture with two German Sheppards and zero boyfriends for two reasons.
  • When you resemble a female impersonator it’s time for a makeover unless you are one and, in that case, this is hilarious.
  • Horses, bulldogs, children, and a selfish prick who sees them all as stressful as he clicks “No.”
  • Motorcycles give me the impression that you have hairy legs and a penis.
  • I love the sexy pose in a sundress on the beach. The Zima next to you tells me I’ll need a Delorean to avoid disappointment.
  • Woah, what’s she doing here? She’s “Looking for Mr. Amazing” and right now I’m Mr. Amazed.
  • … and right back down to earth I land with “Fun Girl” pictures featuring a duck face and tongue sticking out. Shoot me.
  • Here’s a tip: If you post a photo of you and three girlfriends, make sure you’re not the ugliest one.
  • I’m allergic to poodles but your exposed breasts may heal me.
  • 37? Really? Twenty years ago, maybe.
  • Ah, a cute woman holding two alcoholic beverages. She’s a keeper.
  • When I look at your picture, all I can hear you saying is, “Why you go out so much?”
  • Please stop with the self-portraits taken in a mirror with your own cell phone. It shows that you have no friends. For that matter, so do pictures from the camera on top of your computer monitor.
  • If you’re spooning your Rottweiler, I’m not touching it or you.
  • Show me one person who looks good in a bike helmet.
  • Hey, you look familiar. Oh, shit! DELETE.
  • Fortunately, for you, dark-skinned males gravitate to these free dating sites. I’m only dark on the inside.
  • Hey, a yoga chick. That could be fun.
  • Aw, what a cute little dog (and no dates) you have.
  • Ack! I accidentally clicked “Yes.” Shit!
  • What the hell is that thing on your cheek? You’d better invest in Photoshop.
  • I get it, already. You’re popular. You met Kid Rock. Well, I met Captain Morgan last night and he reminded me that Kid Rock is a talentless boob.
Symon agrees: It’s hopeless. Dating sites are not designed for bitter old me.

1 comment:

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