What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Zip It

Women and men list things they want to hear from their partners, but rarely do we get a list of things they don’t want to hear. I guess that makes sense: People don’t want to hear what they don’t want to hear. All of this pussyfooting around is giving me shin splints and migraines.

Fine. I can’t hug it out so I’ll write it out.

Men don’t want to hear the following from the person they are mounting:
  • I’m late.
  • I have a yeast infection.
  • Remember that guy I used to date?
  • We need to talk.
  • My mother is coming to visit.
  • You weren’t saving the [insert dearest thing], were you?
  • I made some room in the closet.
  • Diesel gas works as well as regular, right?
  • Promise me you won’t be mad.
  • I picked up a DVD I’ve been dying to see.
  • You left your phone/computer unlocked.
  • We just received another wedding invitation.
  • Don’t you love my new hairstyle?
  • The car is making a funny noise.
  • Wow, that was quick.
  • My ex was hung like a buffalo.
  • Pfffbbbpppttt … phht … breep.
  • How hard is it to get the garage door back on its tracks?
  • I got rid of those old magazines.
  • Aren’t you getting too old to be still [wearing/playing/watching] that?
  • Did you read the directions?
Women don’t want to hear certain things either:
  • I think the rubber fell off.
  • … and it’s stuck inside you.
  • Why are your boobs uneven?
  • I bought you, I mean us a treadmill.
  • My buddies are coming over for poker night.
  • It’s not what you think.
  • It didn’t mean anything.
  • You don’t really want dessert, do you?
  • I’ll do all the work. You can just lie there.
  • Surprise! I did the wash and ironing for you.
  • Why do you need another [purse/pair of shoes/bracelet/scarf/ring]?
  • Can you come get me?
  • I don’t know whose those are.
  • Do you think we can live off your income?
  • Should I pop that zit for you?
  • Every woman has a lesbian fantasy.
  • Don’t you think you’ve had enough?
  • Your [friend/sister/boss] is hot.
  • My ex used to do it.
  • Can you help me with my résumé?
  • I just got the hottest stock tip.
  • You have to see this. Bring the camera.
  • Look at those tits!

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