Zip It

Women and men list things they want to hear from their partners, but rarely do we get a list of things they don’t want to hear. I guess that makes sense: People don’t want to hear what they don’t want to hear. All of this pussyfooting around is giving me shin splints and migraines.

Fine. I can’t hug it out so I’ll write it out.

Men don’t want to hear the following from the person they are mounting:

• I’m late.
• I have a yeast infection.
• Remember that guy I used to date?
• We need to talk.
• My mother is coming to visit.
• You weren’t saving the [insert dearest thing], were you?
• I made some room in the closet.
• Diesel gas works as well as regular, right?
• Promise me you won’t be mad.
• I picked up a DVD I’ve been dying to see.
• You left your phone/computer unlocked.
• We just received another wedding invitation.
• Don’t you love my new hairstyle?
• The car is making a funny noise.
• Wow, that was quick.
• My ex was hung like a buffalo.
• Pfffbbbpppttt … phht … breep.
• How hard is it to get the garage door back on its tracks?
• I got rid of those old magazines.
• Aren’t you getting too old to be still [wearing/playing/watching] that?
• Did you read the directions?

Women don’t want to hear certain things either:

• I think the rubber fell off.
• … and it’s stuck inside you.
• Why are your boobs uneven?
• I bought you, I mean us a treadmill.
• My buddies are coming over for poker night.
• It’s not what you think.
• It didn’t mean anything.
• You don’t really want dessert, do you?
• I’ll do all the work. You can just lie there.
• Surprise! I did the wash and ironing for you.
• Why do you need another [purse/pair of shoes/bracelet/scarf/ring]?
• Can you come get me?
• I don’t know whose those are.
• Do you think we can live off your income?
• Should I pop that zit for you?
• Every woman has a lesbian fantasy.
• Don’t you think you’ve had enough?
• Your [friend/sister/boss] is hot.
• My ex used to do it.
• Can you help me with my résumé?
• I just got the hottest stock tip.
• You have to see this. Bring the camera.
• Look at those tits!