Thursday, June 9, 2011

Therapy with Me

Boy, would I shake things up if I were to open a couples therapy service. I probably should do it because I find myself giving free advice too often. Rarely are both members present in my free sessions. It’s usually a man complaining that the wife isn’t as frisky as she once was or a woman complaining that the man isn’t as romantic as he once was. It’s so textbook.

Wife: “He used to say nice things to me and compliment my clothes and body. Now, he just wants to see the receipts.”
Husband: “She used to enjoy morning sex, now she sprints to the kitchen when she sees my morning wood.”
Doc Phil: “Tell her she’s lovely, lube up and let your husband bang you, and that will be fifty dollars. Next!”

Wife: “He works long hours and is barely home five minutes before he’s off to the gym. We don’t talk anymore and rarely see each other.”
Husband: “I have to hold down two jobs just to afford her Louis Vuitton habit.”
Doc Phil: “You go shopping with her, you go to the gym with him, and Daddy needs a new pair of shoes. Will that be cash or check? Next!”

Wife: “He has become totally desensitized because he stares at online porn most of the day.”
Husband: “At least I can still get it up. Do you realize how many men my age need little blue help?”
Doc Phil: “Time for some role-playing. Ma’am, please rotate the phrases, ‘I love your cock,’ ‘Yes, that’s it. Fuck me, Baby,’ and ‘Oh my god you make me so wet.’ Dude, before clicking over to Wank-o-pedia, ask the wife if she’d mind lending a hand. Next!”

Wife: “He’s always going away to work conferences and golfing trips. It seems like he’s never home.”
Husband: “She sits home all day watching reality TV shows, which I try to convince her are far from real.”
Doc Phil: “You’re bringing your wife on alternate outings from now on. You’re grounded without TV for one month. Go buy some books. Next!”

Wife: “I think the passion has left our marriage. Sex is bland and I can’t remember the last time I had an orgasm.”
Husband: “She just lies there. I don’t think she’s attracted to me anymore.”
Doc Phil: “Go together to an adult store and buy a vibrator. Show him how to use it on you and, in return, how’s about an occasional blowjob for the big fella?”

I don’t know if I have the patience for that job. The best solution is usually to hasten the inevitable and split up before things get uglier. Nobody wants to pay for that advice. They want to pay to save a relationship that’s most likely run its course. It’s not impossible to resurrect the passion that fizzled, but it may not be worth all the time and money. Still, numerous coaches and therapists will gladly take your money in exchange for words of encouragement. When all else fails, the flow of funds will be diverted to another crook: Attorney Phil.

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