What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, June 3, 2011

Privates Mailing

What the hell is with all the guys mailing pictures of genitalia? Gross! I’m certainly open to receiving sexy photos from women. I’ll take boobie shots, nipples, butts, and even hoo-hay portraits (no close-ups or internals, please). It all works for me because I’m a man with the typical reaction to visual stimulation. Women, on the other hand, rarely have a desire to receive photos of wangs, etc.

In fact, before I rant, male readers please take note. Do not send any woman pictures of the following:
  • Your penis (soft, mid-boner, or full tilt), even if it’s partially obscured.
  • A shirtless version of you, which you took in the mirror.
  • You wrapped in a towel.
  • You in a shirt with buttons undone.
  • You flexing anything other than a silly straw. (Hm, do they still make those?)
  • You in a bathing suit or bikini briefs.
  • Your turds.
Speaking of turds, maybe it’s a related problem. They say men can’t smell their own, so maybe that’s the issue: Men can’t see their own. Do you know what a picture of a penis resembles? Nothing good. Add a couple of balls and some hair and, oh my god, are you kidding me?

If you’re tempted to send a sexy photo to your woman, stop, drop, and poll a female relative before you do. If you can hear her scream from the next county, it should convince you it was a bad idea.

I have had female acquaintances show me numerous photos from oblivious exhibitionists. Is that what you want, men? A very heterosexual, sarcastic prick like me seeing your “sexy” photo? Well, that’s precisely what happens. The receiver will share your picture with all of her friends and quite possibly the media. You’re probably not famous enough to find out about this by finding your little acorn on TMZ. If you were, you’d have enough fuck-you money to shrug it off. You’re not there. Don’t do it. Pay off your credit cards instead.

Ladies, be careful when sharing the photos you receive. I’ve had this happen on more than one occasion: She hands me the phone to see the pictures, I scroll past the intended list, and I find a “sexy” photo she responded with in an effort to ease his embarrassment. The exchange doesn’t negate the problem. Two wrongs do not make my cranial storage of said images disappear. (Only bourbon does.)

A simple way to fix this problem is to avoid taking pictures of yourself. In fact, iPhones should come with a setting that prevents it. When you give your phone to a friend and ask her to take your picture, note the expression on her face. If it’s horror, take your phone back and say, “Just kidding.”

High and mighty politicians are most frequently implicated. Why? Have they no shame? Then they scramble to deny, get caught in the lie, admit it and apologize, lay low awhile, and the reemerge unscathed. We have such short-term memories. Stop testing mine. I don’t want to stumble upon your cock. Thank you very little.

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