What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Fantasy Girl

Chrissy—the object of my TV desire—is pregnant. Piss me off. Worse yet, she still looks hot with a baby bump. Damn it! I’m definitely not the father because I’ve been fixed and, besides, I’ve had more sex to her than with her. I know, TMI. Well, guess I’ll have to turn my fantasies toward the next unattainable woman.

The three nominees are:
  1. Aloha Taylor – She’s on the same Obama-bashing network, doing the same job Chrissy does, but at night. I rarely catch the evening news. Still, I get an occasional glimpse of her loveliness. She’s probably more age-appropriate for me (from where she’s standing). She’s dark, slender, and bubbly. That works. The bubbly thing might be an issue if she’s that way upon wakening. I must have silence in the mornings. I’ll keep her away from my espresso maker.
  2. Sarah Silverman – She’s so funny and liberal too! Her book about pee almost made me pee. I love a woman having the confidence to say what’s on her mind without regard to political correctness. Why is it that Jewish and gay people are funnier than the rest of us? I imagine hanging out with her would keep me inspired and smiling. She’s very sexy, in a tomboyish way.
  3. Chelsea Handler – This is the most talented and hardest working woman on the planet. Her reaction time is impeccable. I realize she has a stable of gifted writers supporting her, but she’s the one who stocks the stable. Her delivery, witty responses, and expressions amuse me to no end. On top of all that talent, she drinks heavily and makes no excuses for it. It would be a challenge for any man to keep up with her, but I’d sure like to try.
I know I have zero chance of embracing any of them. (All you New Age, The Secret-embracing ding-dongs can lay off the self-defeatist lectures. My feet are firmly on the ground and my head is in the clouds of pot smoke.) It entertains me to fantasize and my little dream world keeps me away from a steady dose of Paxil. I’m aware women are creeped-out by the thought of men fantasizing about them unless the fantasy is mutual. Fortunately for my three loves, they probably won’t read this. If they do … um … well … just kidding, tee hee.

Women fantasize about celebrities. I’m not saying all women flick the bean to Dr. House, but some do. I bet some entertain certain thoughts about men other than the one currently inside them. Don’t you dare deny it. If I need a boost from Johnny Depp to get my woman to the Promised Land, I condone.

I’m going to pick Aloha. At least she’s in the same county. I may need to adjust my writing and workout schedules to accommodate the evening news. I guess I could DVR it and skip to the best parts (the weather and cooking tips). I hope she isn’t jealous or jilted by my professed love for her coworker. Generosity is a virtue, even when it concerns admiration and love.

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