What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Germinator

Seems an elected official was screwing the help. Who cares? All right, Maria should care but why should I? Our media eats this stuff up, so much so that one day I predict there will be a brilliant manipulation of the media by someone looking for increased exposure. Some not-famous-enough couple will fake an affair so they can write books about it, go on TV where they’ll whine at first and then gloat about how they persevered despite trials and tribulations.

“He’s such a pig. I can’t believe we elected him governor.”
“Hold on to your white wig just one second there, Missy. You don’t know what was going on in their marriage.”
“He was MARRIED. That’s all I need to know.”
“Horse dookie. You weren’t there so you don’t know what their relationship was like.”
“It doesn’t matter. He was married so he wasn’t allowed to shtup the help.”
“Maybe the wife was into that sort of thing.”
“...”
“OK, maybe not. I bet it was the steroids.”
“Show me one scientific study showing steroids cause infidelity.”
“Perhaps the 'roids made him extra horny and the wife was tired of accommodating his bionic man-piston.”
“No excuse.”
“If the wife stops performing wifely duties, the husband has every right to seed the maid. I mean, he’s Ahnowd, for Christ’s sake!”
“I don’t care who he is. Married men are not allowed to have sex with anyone except their wives.”
“Maybe it was a freak accident. What if, while the maid was changing the sheets, one of his practically immortal sperm crawled up her arm, down her body, and into her baby trap?”
“He admitted to having an affair with her.”
“That could be the steroids talking.”
“Stop making excuses for him. He’s not even denying it.”
“Because he’s a victim of abuse. The wife tortured him for years by withholding the good lovin’. She probably beat him regularly. He’s afraid.”
“I can’t have this argument with you. It’s silly. Why are you defending him, anyway? He’s Republican.”
“Wait ... what?”
“Duh.”
“Holy shit! What a scumbag! How could he do that to poor Maria, a kind and loyal Democrat? Those Republicans are always preaching one thing and doing the opposite. Dang hypocrites, I tell ya--the whole lot of them. I say send him to prison.”
“Really?”
“Absolutely. Maybe we can do a prisoner exchange. Free Lindsay!”

We can solve this problem by forbidding politicians, athletes, and actors from being married. You want to play in the big leagues? Ditch the spouse. I don’t care if you love her. That’s too bad. She’ll become a problem. Oh, you can have all the sex you want with her, but you’re not promising shit because you’re going to break that promise and be persecuted by the same righteous jackasses who were once your biggest supporters. Go get a freaking puppy. I swear if I catch you heading toward bended knee I will terminate you. Stay single and you can enjoy all the lechery your tiny heart can handle.

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