I asked my Facebook fans to complete the sentence “I don’t understand why men …” and I received numerous responses. It’s clear that my assistance is required and it’s time for a powwow. I assembled a crew of cock-carrying creeps and asked them to help. After a few beers, the answers started flowing. I hope this isn’t too painful.
1. … are such assholes.
a. “Nuh uh, we are not.”
b. “Sounds like an angry chick to me. Bet she’d be fun to have hate sex with.”
c. “That’s one jaded woman. Run away!”
2. … try to understand what women are thinking.
a. “I know what women are thinking: How can I trap a man and take his money?”
b. “It changes so damn often I can’t keep up.”
c. “I’ve quit trying to understand women. I just smile, nod, and agree with whatever they say.”
3. … disregard their women’s feelings.
a. “Wait a minute. If I don’t understand her feelings, how can I address them?”
b. “Every time I ask what’s wrong, she says ‘nothing’ so what am I supposed to do, read her mind?”
c. “Hey, does anyone know the spread on the Eagles game this weekend?”
4. … don’t provide enough foreplay.
a. “What? So spitting in my palm doesn’t count?”
b. “Sorry, but my boners have time limits.”
c. “Why can’t she just act like the oven and ding when she’s preheated?”
5. … have to fix everything instead of listening.
a. “Because I have a Dremel.”
b. “It’s easier to fix it and stop the whining before I get a migraine.”
c. “I was born to fix things. My daddy taught me well.”
6. … are poor communicators.
a. “I thought communication was a two-way street. I bet she’s referring to listening.”
b. “I have no problem texting her daily.”
c. “It’s her fault that she hasn’t taken the time to understand my gestures and grunts.”
7. … like to push our buttons.
a. “She pushed mine first!”
b. “It was an accident.”
c. “I need to push her away hard enough to be confident that she won’t leave me.”
8. … can find every hole but the one in the toilet.
a. “I don’t pee on the goddamned floor or seat, honey. It splashes there. That’s the price of carrying such a large hose.”
b. “What’s wrong with a little ear fucking between lovers?”
c. “Maybe those holes are so big that they’re harder to miss.” Dude, enjoy your new bed: the sofa.
9. … chase women who are out of their league.
a. “Because women can be bought.”
b. “What’s wrong with a little ambition?”
c. “We love a challenge and firm asses.”
10. … desire and can have meaningless sex.
a. “It’s cheaper in the long run.”
b. “Wait a minute. What about the woman on the receiving end of that sex? She’s doing the same thing.”
c. “Because we have an unlimited supply of sperm and an inherent desire to spread our genes.”
11. … don’t say what they mean.
a. “Because it always gets me in trouble.”
b. “Half the time I don’t even know what I mean.”
c. “I say what I mean. She doesn’t want to hear it, so she hears what she wants.”
12. … are such babies when they have colds.
a. “Hey, you’re supposed to be mothering me. Make me soup.”
b. “God made women numb so they can handle childbirth. They can’t relate to the severe pain of a man’s sniffles.”
c. “If I die, who will take care of her? Probably the firefighter down the street—that bastard!”
13. … are selfish and insensitive.
a. “Really? Did I buy the Tiffany bracelet for my benefit?”
b. “I don’t care and I need another beer.”
c. “Because when we were little, our brothers and buddies constantly picked on us.”
14. … need approval from their male friends.
a. “We’re used to having coaches, teammates, and fans. [insert chest bump]”
b. “My friends happen to have great taste in cars, clothing, and beer.”
c. “Because I can’t keep running everything past my father.”
15. … have so many issues with hair.
a. “You must be kidding. You spent how much money last month at the salon, having your roots colored?”
b. “You have no idea how tedious it is to shave my head and face almost daily. No, it does not compare to legs and armpits.”
c. “If you don’t like it, you shave it. While you’re at it, let me take a razor to that Chia Pet you’re cultivating down there.”Sorry. Now you know why my friends and I were left holding our own.