What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Valentine’s Day for Singles


      Let’s say, for instance, you just happen to be single … I mean, between relationships. Horrible timing, my sweet. It’s Valentine’s Day, for crying aloud. Couldn’t you scrape up an ex, at least? Fear not, though, with a little help from Love Doctor Phil, you’ll be just fine. What’s that you say? How can I give relationship advice when I’m single? I can because I am single by choice—the women I choose don’t choose me back.
      Many things can distract you from the fact that there will be no spooning today. In fact, I recommend you pleasure yourself upon waking to get that out of the way and clear your mind. See? How lovely was that? You had an orgasm without smelling public-toilet mouth. Score one for you.
      After toweling yourself off and ridding yourself of the rest of last night’s chardonnay, talk to your pets as you head to the kitchen. Have you noticed they don’t talk back? Nice, huh? You can sing the praises of Lady Antebellum and your pug will just snort and wag its stump. I doubt your cat will voice any disappointment over the shocking loss by Justin Bieber. Here’s the best part: You don’t have to make two separate breakfasts because your picky bedwarmer likes its eggs over easy. Crack, scramble, and chow.
      Time for work. If the gleeful morons bouncing around the office with their fresh roses annoy you as much as they annoy me, you have some choices to make yourself feel better:
1.      Send yourself flowers ... from Bradley Cooper.
2.      Dump fire ants into her flowers.
3.      Start sneezing and tell your boss your allergy to roses requires you to leave immediately and take the afternoon off. (This leaves more time to sedate yourself.)
4.      Hang near the lobby, cause a distraction, and replace the card in the flowers with one you created from the goofy security dude who drives around the lot in a golf cart while listening to Abba.
      If you survive the flower, chocolate, and stuffed animal parade, try to make it to lunch without puking. No doubt, some of the office’s happily coupled will anxiously wait in the lobby as their Prince Charmings arrive to take them to lunch. Hike up your skirt, unbutton those top buttons, and sit on the wall out front while eating a cone of frozen yogurt. When Prince shows up in his Beemer, wink, do the Sharon Stone, and watch the carnage as he tries to explain to the Princess why he’s all lumpy and distracted.
      After work, head to happy hour, hand your keys to the bartender, and start pounding tequila. As happy couples arrive and stare lovingly into each other’s eyes while waiting for their tables, employ the following maneuvers to make the night more interesting:
1.      Walk up to the man and say, “Hey, how have you been? I still need to talk to you about that [make quote signs with fingers] thing. Awk-ward … ha, ha. Well, enjoy your dinner.” Then mouth the words “Call me” as you walk away.
2.      Insert yourself between the couple and say to the man, “Thank you for the drink.” When he denies buying you one, wink, look at his date, and say, “Right. I understand.”
3.      When a cute guy’s date hits the powder room, follow her and give her pointers such as the fact that he loves having his balls bitten and a thumb shoved up his butt.
4.      As soon as any PDA begins, sneak up behind the couple, blow a rape whistle, and yell, “Break it up, you two!” Or, just slap the two of them about the skull with a loaf of French bread until they stop.
      As midnight approaches, if you haven’t passed out, vomited in the Ficus tree, or wet yourself, select from the many single men you have created and make one your Valentine.

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