What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Tic Tac Talk


      Someone enlarged the opening in the Tic Tac container and I’m none too pleased about it. I know exactly what this company is up to: Selling more Tic Tacs. I can understand the motivation, but it still annoys the garlic breath out of me. When I used to tap the Tic Tac container into my hand, I would usually receive two (or fewer) Tic Tacs. Last night, while driving home after my second glass of wine, I tipped the container and got six fucking Tic Tacs. Argh! Here’s the worst part: Employing restraint from tossing all six into my gob and instead struggling to return five of them back into the container without crashing into parked cars. My Jeep’s carpet is littered with tiny white dots, reminiscent of extra-large maggots. There’s also a substance in the Tic Tac that makes it impossible to suck it until it disappears instead of chewing it when you get halfway, which defeats the original purpose of breath freshening.
      You see this as triviality, don’t you?
      Well, maybe I don’t have typical daily nuisances, such as rebellious teenagers, furniture chewing dogs, or TPS reports to complete. I’ve saved up all of my energy to focus on trivial matters, which have been tolerated for too long or snuck by unnoticed.
      Here’s another one: shaving cream. Ah, you are under the impression that shaving cream’s purpose is to moisturize and protect your skin. Incorrect. Its purpose is to dull razor blades. If you don’t believe me then answer me this: Why are most shaving creams made by the same companies that make shaving blades? And, why is my shirt collar a blood-specked mess? See that? Those fuckers want us to buy more cartridges, so they dull their own goddamn blades!
      Tell me why Starbucks employees insist upon filling my cup to the top, unless I make eye contact and insist they leave room. It makes me spend more time in the shop. I have to go to the condiment counter, carefully remove the lid (burn myself), dump the excess coffee into the trash (burning my other hand), add my half-and-half, and then attempt to secure the lid as it was, without knocking over the coffee (burning myself again) and sheepishly returning to the counter to … guess what? … buy another coffee. All of this while the other patrons try not to wet themselves in glee over my clumsiness.
      Where did this concept of a combined tab come from? Is it a green effort to save paper? I want to be billed for the items I order and consume. I don’t give a shit if I’m apparently on a date. Give me two tabs in that case. Is it easier to add or subtract? Add. Therefore, if I choose to pick up someone else’s tab, I can take his or her tab, place it with mine, and hand both to the server along with my card. Three seconds, tops. How long will it take to figure out who pays how much on a six-way tab? An eternity. Plus, someone (usually me) will be stuck paying extra because some cheap bastard (sometimes me) forgets to add in tax and that third drink they don’t recall having. Servers, I’m begging you: Assume separate checks every time unless you are told to combine the tabs. Do it and enjoy closer to twenty percent tips and happy customers.
      Now, where is that fucking Tic Tac?

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