What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Things


      One of the things I notice about popular women’s magazine articles and blogs is that they typically contain a list of things women should something or other. One must assume that women like lists of things. Interesting. Perhaps I should design a t-shirt for men that contains a checklist or “Top reasons why you should date me.”
      In fact, here are the top reasons you should date me (if you live within a ten-mile radius and don’t have cat-eating dogs):
1.      I hold doors.
2.      I’m clean.
3.      I’m fit.
4.      I pay.
5.      I won’t chase you.
6.      My ex doesn’t hate me.
7.      I don’t live with my mother or roommates.
8.      I manscape (and womanscape, as requested).
9.      I can cook.
10.  I make you laugh, which includes making you laugh at my failed attempts to make you laugh. (OK, my timing could use some work.)
      You can’t deny the popularity of lists. Here are the top things of things (Recursion rules!) from recent magazines:
·         5 things you don’t want to know about your boyfriend’s history.
·         10 things he’s thinking when he sees you in lingerie.
·         7 guys you should never date.
·         6 things you have to tell him.
·         5 lies guys typically tell.
·         8 reasons guys cheat.
      I have one thing to tell you: These things mean nothing because you’ll ignore them when the right man comes along. You’ll deny he falls into any of the no-no lists and find a way to squeeze him into the exception bucket. Nice try. Oh, heck, enjoy your tryst with him and ignore your friends and family along the way. Navigate the “I told you so” path when you get to it.
      Still, I need to sell books or else I’ll be one of the ten things women shouldn’t date: broke. So, please allow me to present my list of things women should (but won’t) insist upon:
      To date me, a man must …
1.      Ask me out.
2.      Look me in the eyes, not the boobs.
3.      Answer my calls and texts promptly.
4.      Treat me like a lady.
5.      Remember my birthday, favorite flower, and chocolate preferences.
6.      Listen.
7.      Be open to trying new things.
8.      Introduce me to his coworkers, friends, and family.
9.      Be patient.
10.  Dress well.
11.  Have similar health and fitness goals.
12.  Be responsible.
13.  Care for me, especially when I’m sick, sad, or asking for help.
14.  Have a thorough understanding of the female anatomy.
15.  Be an exceptionally good kisser.
      To date me, a man must not …
1.      Put me down instead of the toilet seat.
2.      Hit on my friends.
3.      Show weakness.
4.      Be distracted by other women.
5.      Yell.
6.      Ask me a question he doesn’t want to know the answer to.
7.      Drunk dial or text me.
8.      Be too mysterious.
9.      Expect me to pull out my credit card.
10.  Go through my purse, phone, or glove compartment.
11.  Spit.
12.  Ask me to go to a nudie bar.
13.  Brag about his ex.
14.  Walk in front of me.
15.  Wear sideburns, nipple piercings, boat shoes, cuffed jeans, cargo pants, wool hats, or a t-shirt reading, “I’m no gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.” (I actually saw that one last week. The man wearing it is definitely a virgin unless he’s screwing goats.)

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