What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Take Him Back?


      I didn’t realize they broke up. Hm. All right, well, I’m not one to keep my two cents so; sure, I’ll toss them in. I guess it all depends on what Ken did. Wait a minute—why do we always assume the man is responsible for the break-up? Oh, because he usually is. I’ll run through some scenarios and ask Babs to pick the one that best resembles her relationship with K-Dog.
1.      Barbie found incriminating text messages on Ken’s phone. Come on, sister. People flirt. It doesn’t necessarily mean Ken kopulated … unless, that is, you found a video of him bumping plastic with her on his phone. I’d say cut him a break and take him back.
2.      Ken stopped calling. There’s a range or reasons that could be at the base of this and they all end with “because he was not sufficiently interested in you.” Therefore, you need have a little pride and move on. Don’t take him back.
3.      Barbie found out, by anonymous note (not to mention the video evidence the fucking TV cameras recorded including the typing of such note, hence making it anything but anonymous), that a drunken Ken made out with two grenades at a nightclub. He denied it at first, but then admitted guilt when he realized that video evidence is irrefutable. They fight, they cry, he brakes her shit, they smoosh, she nags, they fight … Jesus freaking Christ, woman! Wipe your mascara and hell no don’t take him back.
4.      Barb’s concerned that Ken doesn’t share her Christian faith. She wants her babies to be raised Christian and for them to enjoy the same fear of eternal torture she does. Ken explained that, while he doesn’t believe in a god or devil, he knows right from wrong. Barb cried, said ten Hail Marys, said “fucking asshole” using her inside voice, asked for forgiveness, touched herself, asked for forgiveness, had makeup sex using a condom with Ken, asked for forgiveness, mailed a check off to some rich evangelist, and buried her guilt in a bottle of chardonnay. Ken shrugged. Faith is a one-way street. Don’t take him back.
5.      Ken has tiny hands and sucks in the sack. I’ve heard enough—don’t take him back.
6.      Barb wants a commitment from Ken and he keeps stalling. Ken is constantly reminded by his divorced buddies how painful it is to part with that monthly alimony check while their ex-wives splurge at Nordstrom’s and bang boys ten years younger. Barb, you know where this is heading so take him back.
7.      Ken can’t separate himself from his drinking pals long enough to give his relationship the attention Barb insists is required. Barb is not happy sitting home night after night, cuddling with her Jack Russell on the sofa, eating cereal, draining bottles, and watching Sex and the City reruns while Ken is pounding a dozen beers while watching UFC fights at the local sports bar. When he comes home—smelling of fermented filth and nachos—he wants sex. Barb, unless he’s a human tripod, don’t take him back.
8.      Barb is tired of paying for most of their dates. She can’t understand why Ken can’t find a job—any job. She hates spending the night at his place because he has three roommates. She’s embarrassed when he picks her up in his Ford station wagon. Her parents hate him. He needs a haircut, shower, and to stop asking her to pull his finger. Well, he does have a nice tan, fondles her in public, and goes down on her more than once a month. He’s a keeper. Take him back and introduce him to cologne.
      The most likely breakup scenario included tears, a week of nights out with girlfriends cheering Barb up, and various modifications to Barb’s lifestyle to make her more attractive for the next man (Why not Ken?): more frequent visits to the gym, hiring a personal trainer, dieting (with stress adds up to quick weight loss), hair coloring or extensions, new jeans, new shoes, teeth whitening, spray tanning, and a freshly activated online dating profile full of pictures with Ken’s face blurred out. When Barb realizes this was all for naught, she'll take him back.

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