What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Shopping


      Is there a mate around who fits perfectly? Is it possible? I say not. There will always be something there to remind me that to seek perfection is a futile act, sure to frustrate even the most patient shopper. Good enough truly is good enough because you’re going to outgrow even the best fit eventually.
      “Oh, but my husband and I grow together.”
      “How nice.”
      “Seriously.”
      “So, you mean to tell me that nothing he does annoys you?”
      “Well, sure, a few things.”
      “A few more things every year, I bet.”
      There’s nothing wrong with this, by the way. I’ve found when I pair up with someone totally unlike me, I often discover things I never would have realized that I enjoy. Here are some wonderful things ex-girlfriends taught me to love:
·         Warm chardonnay.
·         Handling a vibrator.
·         Romance novels.
·         Dave Matthews.
·         Lemon drops.
·         Soy chai lattes.
·         Filtered water.
·         Chelsea Handler.
·         Fondue.
·         Spray-on sunblock.
·         Loofahs.
·         Unfiltered sake.
·         Wearing socks to bed.
·         Brie.
·         Anything (female) wrapped in Victoria’s Secret.
      Still, when you meet a potential mate, don’t you wonder how you’ll get past those roadblocks that have stopped so many previous relationships in their tracks? Religious affiliation, pets, smoking preference, food allergies, and offspring can derail any relationship. Still, it’s worth a shot. You never know. It’s better to try it and be comfortable enough to share your honest opinion without causing or taking offense.
      For example, my ex begged me to go to a couples spin class. Both my balls and my brain said, “Oh, hell no.” It was important to her so I winced and mounted that steel torture rack right next to her. We spun, spun, spun—stood up, sat down—up the hill, down the hill and, you know what? Yep, it sucked. I kindly told her I would never endure such self-inflicted agony again and she relented after watching me stagger around the rest of the day as if I were carrying a watermelon between my knees.
      I met this delicious specimen recently and I was hesitant to ask about her lifestyle, knowing some obstacle was sure to come my way. I stayed with neutral topics like food, drink, and movie preferences—the lowest of hurdles. Then she mentioned her cat-eating dog. Fuck me and my two little fuzzballs. She’s hot, so I can get past this. Maybe we could train Fido to love cats. Perhaps some doggie Xanax would do.
      It’s premature to be thinking about compatibility to that level anyway. All that should concern us is if there is chemistry. The rest will work itself out, right? Shopping can be fun and it can be frustrating. There will always be a better buy that fits better, which you can find if you are willing to spend more time comparing than wearing.
      She’s close enough. I’m going to try her on. We’ll adopt the don’t ask/don’t tell policy and avoid an early exit before breaking in the relationship.

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