What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Score


      Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just sharing. Ladies should be aware of this, even before I disclose the details. In fact, they should expect it. Note the popularity of TV shows with talent contests—singing, dancing, skating, modeling, and dieting. There are shows about making cupcakes, for Christ’s sake! So, when you enter a scene, you had better expect to be rated by my fellow judges and me.
      Much like the judges on those TV shows, every man has unique criteria and scales. One of my friends says there’s no such thing as a ten. I hand tens out like Skittles (not red ones, sorry). The scoring system typically begins with a high rating, which is eroded by deductions for various perceived flaws. Of course, those flaws are highly subjective. One man’s dislike is another man’s preference.
      Allow me to provide an example:
      “Lindsay Lohan.”
      “Seven point five.”
      “What? Are you in-fucking-sane?”
      “That’s a high score.”
      “She’s at least a nine. Let’s hear the deductions.”
      “Minus one for her tendency to spend most of her time in front of and behind bars.”
      “A minor infraction. I say they cancel each other out.”
      “Bad skin. Freckles—minus point five.”
      “Her freckles are cute, damn you. What about her lovely eyes, hair, and natural boobs?”
      “No extra points for what’s expected. Minus one for annoying parents.”
      “I concur.”
      “Minus another half a point for being short.”
      “She’s five-foot-five, you nut.”
      “Pygmy.”
      “She's the ideal height.”
      “Anything under five-six is unacceptable.”
      “I disagree. Bring on the spinners!”
      I’ve been told my ratings need to be calibrated. Maybe it’s because I see myself as a six and I like to think I’m dating up. Also, I add points for things most men disregard or discount:
·         Sense of humor
·         Godlessness
·         Long hair (even orange works for me)
·         Sports knowledge
·         Career
·         Infertility
·         Lack of roommates and pets, other than cats
·         Possession of a Kindle
·         Ability to throw and catch a baseball
·         Cool relatives
      Most of the ratings from my fellow judges are based on looks. That’s understandable before the talent routine. A fit chick also catches my attention, especially when she sports the magic 0.70 ratio (waist to hips). Stylish and flattering clothing and makeup can add many points. A tan adds points. Surrounding herself with less-attractive friends add points. Heck, a smile adds points (unless she’s a snaggletooth).
            I’m generous with my ratings points. So what? Flattery gets me more options.

No comments:

Post a Comment