What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Romance Novel FAIL


      Oh, you nasty girls. So much for my mental image of the typical female being all sweet, shy, and smelling of hibiscus. As I strolled the Amazon aisles to see what women are reading, I stumbled upon content racy enough to make me blush.
      That’s no small accomplishment.
      Perhaps I should try my hand at romance novels. Why not? I know all the juicy words and have even made up some of my own (e.g. juicycootere). Check. I have a primarily female following. Check. I’ve assumed the position next to my gushing date at numerous romantic comedies. Check. I’ll brew some tea and give it a go.
      When he answered the door he was greeted by his neighbor, Sandra, wearing dark sunglasses, knee-high boots, and a trench coat. She pushed the glasses up from the bridge of her nose and said, “Howdy, neighbor.” Keith was stunned. She strode in and planted a deep kiss on him—grabbing the back of his head with both her hands. She bit his lower lip and then backed him onto his pool table. Her jacket dropped to the carpet, exposing her glistening torso. Keith took in the sight and blew his load.
      FAIL
      As they rode the elevator down to the parking garage, Sandra pointed out the security camera. She showed Keith a devilish grin as she hung her jacket over the lens. Keith knew where it was heading so he pulled out the stop button. She attacked him and he spun her around, kissing her neck hungrily. Sandra could feel his bulge pressing against her thigh. He reached down and unbuttoned her jeans. Then the elevator alarm went off.
      FAIL
      Sandra raced up the steps as Keith tried to catch her. She left a trail of clothing for Keith to follow. From behind, her thong barely covered her amazing ass. Keith finally caught up and threw her down on the silk comforter. He pulled her arms above her head, holding her by the wrists as he nibbled her earlobe. She moaned as she wrapped her thighs around him and squeezed. Keith couldn’t believe he finally had her. He dreamt of this for years. Sandra slipped from his grip and flipped Keith over. She lost her balance and fell of the bed, whacking her head on the corner of his nightstand.
      FAIL
      They had to escape the boredom of that night’s couples dinner. It was obvious the other couples didn’t share the animal lust still fresh in Sandra and Keith’s love life. Keith slid his hand between Sandra’s thighs at the table. She was obviously hungry with desire. Across the table, Simone could tell something naughty was going on. Simone leaned over to check her purse for lip-gloss and peeked under the table. Keith was indeed up Sandra’s skirt and Simone was jealous … then she saw the penis poking from Sandra’s panties. Holy shit! Sandra was transsexual.
      FAIL
      Sandra grinded on top of Keith as he tried to think of anything but how well she fit and close he was to coming. He gripped her hips tightly, trying to slow her down. Sandra arched her back to take him deeper. Keith whispered, “Slower, baby. You’re making me come.” That’s exactly what Sandra wanted. She was on the verge and simultaneous orgasms were hard to come by. She flew forward, lying against him now, bringing him to climax by gyrating her hips while staring into his blue eyes. Then the smoke alarm went off because they forgot to blow out the candle.
      FAIL
      Ugh, it’s no use. My bizarre sexual escapades have sufficiently corrupted me. I’ll stick to being a joker with a boner.

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