What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Re-dun-dunce


      I am more easily annoyed than the average person is. You should thank me because my whining will help you appreciate your happiness. Conversely, you may relate to my misery and gain some vicarious displeasure from my discourse. Today’s complaint has to do with the noises people make with their mouths.
      Sure, I could slap on a pair of noise-canceling headphones to keep my blood pressure under control. I don’t. Why? Because I want to be able to hear peace and quiet. (“Peace and quiet” is redundant. I know. Stay tuned.) On my train ride home from work, I look forward to an hour of serenity with my iPad and it never quite works out that way.
      Culprit #1. This distraction was wearing a loud poncho and aviators. He carried a litter bucket (I cat shit you not), which contained snacks for his ride home. First thing out of the bucket was an apple. God placed apples into that Garden of Eden scene to pester humans. A small factoid (redundant) inadvertently left out of the Old Testament. I hear God laughing. You have heard a person eat an apple, correct? *Crunch, slurp, chomp, chomp, chomp* and repeat. It’s as if I’m inside his head with his munching molars. Help!
       Culprit #2. This surfer dude fantasizes that he’s an eco-friendly Major League Baseball player. In one gnarly mitt, he carries a 99-cent bag of sunflower seeds. In mitt number two, he carries a spent Starbucks cup sans vented lid. Dump seeds into mouth, suck salt (imagine the amplified sound of two French-kissing teenagers), crack shell, suck out seed, and, my personal favorite (another redundancy), spit seed casing into empty cup, and repeat.
      My eyes are bloodshot, another hair follicle leaps to its untimely demise, and my breathing becomes quick and shallow as I try not to faint into the aisle.
      Culprit #3. The train conductor who is convinced he missed his calling as a 1940s disc jockey, bingo caller, or comedian making regular appearances on the Soupy Sales Show. His voice annoys me far less than his ghastly (and I wish it were intentional, but it’s not) habit of being redundant. Here is a small sampling:
·         “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, persons of all ages: Our next stop is ….” – He could easily cover the entire species with one word: people. Or, since there’s nothing else on the fucking train that could possibly be listening and in need of clarification, he could omit the entire introduction. I mean, it’s not as if a seeing-eye dog perks up, hears the intro, and then says to himself, “Oh good, he’s not talking to me. Back to licking my balls.”
·         “Our last and final stop is our destination ….” – A triple redundancy so incredible that it leaves me dumbfounded. Last is the same as final, which would also be the same as the destination, would it not? If he needs a run-on fucking sentence, he should begin with, “Our next and final ….” God help me.
·         “Please exit the train through the open doors immediately, if not sooner.” – People can’t very well exit through closed doors, now can they? What could be sooner than immediately? Nothing.
      Editor, Linda Au, is partly responsible for the hyperventilating mess I have become. Life was so much easier when I was unaware of grammatical snafus.
      My personal opinion (redundant) is that he is either an absolutely unique (redundant a-fucking-gain) human being (yet again) or he’s obliviously unaware (and that makes four) of how funny he isn’t. Ah, I feel better now.

No comments:

Post a Comment